Jolly's posts

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

@Totalanimefan:
Thats good <3 its really really nice having a safe space like this. It has helped me so much this year ;v;

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

@Totalanimefan:
of course <3 there's a reason i feel safe to vent on here or ask for advice ;;

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

also thanks for commenting
the advice really did help

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

Yeah, well at least he isn't blaming me for anything. he's being more reasonable than that, but also there's other things just stirring it up and he has a habit of self destructing in the past.

I got him to come to after a while. It took a lot of hard effort and pain, but we spent the day taking it easy and talking about it just a little at a time. Until we could find some roots of the issue. Depression is a big one, but also in some events that make a lot of sense. Things his family said recently, things ive said in the past that were misunderstood.

Im so relieved when he had a big sigh and I felt a lot of weight fall off of him. This was so dang hard to deal with :vanora_cry:
We've been able to reevaluate things and communicate clearly again

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

I also feel very strange to put my foot down to someone and say I refuse to leave. I say it more gently than that, but still firm enough that he knows I wont allow a decision to be made right now. Its KILLING me so much inside to have this relationship be up in the air. I value it way too much, but I also mean to keep the promise he made me make when he was breaking down in my arms the other night.

I feel firm that this has been a great and healthy relationship, and that if I choose the right method to sooth him, perhaps I can convince this to work. He's under 25 so his mind is still growing and maturing. He's already far beyond his years in maturity, so I shouldn't be surprised that he still has these young insecurities. I just really hope it doesn't tear us apart and end things. Thats just.. way too sad

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

Ariella74:
I get that but being there we get scared and we want to run. I have been there. Its not easy. Its scary and I want to run when I feel insecure. I want to say though that give him understanding and be there for him. Maybe if he really loves you that will win over his insecurities and just have patience with him.

I kept telling him that its OK to be insecure and its OK to waver sometimes. I keep telling him that no matter what I'll never get in the way of his dreams for his career, and he tells me I haven't. He says I've done nothing wrong and that he is happy with me and loves me, but he's not ready for this. Idk how to sooth him this time. The other day it almost killed me.

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

I feel like its my fault for bringing it up again, especially when we both just woke up. He's at work right now and I'm just praying that his time alone for a few hours might help him come back to what he insisted was his truth-- that he felt happier and healthier with me here. When he begged me not to let him do this again.

I know 4 months isn't that long and these feel like they might just be growing pains of trying to figure out how our life goals will line up. He's scared because the future is blurry for him now, even though our goals have been parallel all this time. I'm scared that he's going to successfully push me away soon and I dont know how to cope

Posted in resolved Posted 3 years ago

*update
things have been resolved, I couldn't be more relieved.
It seemed like something happened twice but after enough communication, I understand that he didn't get better after the first episode and he was trying to bottle it and force himself to act normal. But now we've cleared some of his fears and acknowledged any that might remain or resurface in the future, when life gets complicated. I'm happy that I could see all that weight drop off of him and his confidence coming back. Holiday season and seasonal depression is just too much for him right now, so after christmas he'll probably feel more relaxed again. ;v;

the emotionally-written original post content:

Ive been with this partner for 4 months.
everything has been great, we both have been so openly happy and transparent.

The first problem we had was that I wasnt allowed to see him on christmas cause he had to go see his family. I cant go with because of reasons that we both agree on. So I asked if I could at least have him for eve for a few hours at my parents. His mom got upset about this cause of covid and all that extra people mingling, they just had recent scares with their family having surgeries and complications.

So when he went to tell me that won't work out, he suddenly got really closed off to me and really cold. never saw this side of him. He said he wasn't ready for commitment and said all this stuff, and it hurt so much I almost left but I stopped because this was so out of nowhere, I just couldn't understand.

I talked to him longer, begging for understanding, and suddenly he started crying and clung to me saying hes sorry. He has a habit of pushing people away because of his insecurities and he explained that it is from a traumatizing upbringing, and having to close off when others get emotional.
He claimed that nothing he said was right, except the part of him feeling insecure, but that he knows he's ready for commitment and that he doesn't want to lose me, promised not to do this again and thanked me for staying. He made me promise not to leave if his mind does slip again because he needs the help while he's working on his insecurities. It was really emotional and hard on us both and hes been trying to heal from it as I have.

It's been a couple of days and we've been getting back to normal. But this morning I started to cry a bit and I told him I was scared. I expressed that I just need reassurance while I heal, because I'm still scared of being gaslighted again. He knows that's happened to me before already.

He started to hesitate and then started trying to break up with me again. Saying hes not ready for commitment. This time he wasn't cold and closed off so it feels way more real, and it hurts so badly when we've been in such a healthy place all this time and then suddenly I can barely keep him.

I don't know what to do, I very much do not want to lose him. My whole life has crumbled this year and this is the last good thing I have. I can't handle this

Posted in Ipad or Galaxy tab s7+? Posted 3 years ago

THERE'S A SAMSUNG TABLET?

-begins researching-

Also, I've had an ipad for a bit now and tbh I kind of love it
except for the fact that it is an apple product and I cannot have my clip studio paint software on it without having to pay monthly :<
so I just use their procreate for lineart/flat colors and then send it over to my pc via google drive, to then shade and detail art on there with my desktop setup. Wish that last part can be portable!

Posted in I bought Clip Studio Paint Pro. Posted 3 years ago

I'm late to the thread, but I friggin love CSP! I use it religiously, so if you have any questions hmu <3
I've never used Krita so I'm not sure what features you're used to.

My primary tools on CSP are the Mapping Pen for my lineart, and I've been using the vector layers for that also (makes resizing and adjusting lines a bit smoother)
I also use the dense watercolor brush for some of my shading, smooth watercolor if I want something even more soft.
CSP spoils me with blending modes--there are so many, and they are beautiful. I use them a lot!
Airbrush is also amazing and I usually set up a custom eraser that has the airbrush effect, in case I need to smoothly adjust things.

but there's a lot more to play with to go even further <3

Posted in It's been a hot minute since I did this Posted 3 years ago

Niiiiiiiice, my latte thread made it to the list lmao :vanora_xd:

Posted in this green tea latte Posted 3 years ago

@Totalanimefan:
Yumm that also sounds nice!
usually I prefer to drink a spiced chai mix by the David Rio brand, its also soooo good
but its fun trying new things that end up being good too <3

Posted in this green tea latte Posted 3 years ago

by cafe mori
is SO DANG GOOD I cant get over it.
Maybe its cause I never had a green tea latte before but like, for an instant latte its soooo good
sweet but not too sweet
just
muah

thats all

Posted in HAVE YOU BEEN SHOPPING BLACK FRIDAY/CYBER MONDAY SALES? Posted 3 years ago

I usually avoid black friday like the plague--and now there really is one! lmao
I don't like the chaos and pressure on retail staff so I wait for cyber monday or dont bother if I dont need anything. xD

that lipstick is a pretty neat color though! I love grey shades