Jolly's posts

I have a long spam of texts from my mom and sister.
Not even concerned, just a bunch of projection and self-victimizing.
The closest thing to giving a shit was a sorry for the panic attack "but you should have just listened".
For how long am I supposed to listen to someone screaming at me like that? Being blamed like I'm the only one who yelled, when I've only yelled at the end of the whole thing when I started coughing after cause I yelled too hard. My voice literally cannot handle yelling, my throat and lungs like physically cease up and I choke, cough or gag. So anytime someone is having a loud go at me, I just listen until its nonsensical and then I leave. If I speak its in a normal voice cause nothing else feels good to do, so why bother? I'm not a shouty person.

They say I'm the reason we can't live peacefully. I just--I don't even speak! I just draw, sleep, game or I'm not home for days cause of work/school or out with my partner.

They're always caiming they're "scared" of me every time I get hurt by things like this. One will hear the other say this and then they;ll start using it against me too, because they all know it hits me really hard to hear that. I'm fragile as fuck, but not in an anger sort of way. I just cry and frown. I dont speak much cause I'm too friggin scared to. But I also dont want to push them away fully, so when good things happen I'll try to talk to them about that cause like, positivity and shit.
Being told I'm scary and I'm monstrous my whole life really screws with my brain and self image. Brings me to a really dark place. One person plucked me out of that mindset in the past. Someone who was around all of this for 3 years and they ended up so angry about it, but they;d always reassure me that I'm not doing what they say I'm doing, that they're projecting themselves and confusing me too much. But GOD its so hard to maintain my psyche with this family. Like a consistent mind fuck.

I know I really need therapy for my upbringing, I'm still on my journey to even being able to afford that. One day, one day
Until then I just vent online like this and feel silly after

@Glume:
Thank you so much. It helps a lot to hear some logic when my head gets too caught up in emotion. My family has consistently taught me to feel bad about myself and to feel like I'm wrong, sometimes it still confuses me a lot.
Then sometimes theyll act super sweet and it becomes even more confusing, and I start to forget that extreme moments happen like this, that this isn't the first time I couldn't go home over something stupid. Then sometimes it just seems easier to pretend it never happened and that my family life is fine.

Im frustrated because I had so many plans for at home tonight on my pc. I was already in the midst of drawing, and I think I lost said drawing when I hastily shut down my pc so I can leave. TT

But I ended up driving to my partner's work. He took a lunch break to come out and sit in my car with me. Hugged me the whole time and talked me through it, then gave me his keys to go to his apartment, instead of waiting until he got off. So now im just gonna hijack his spotify and fold his clothes.

sometimes when i think about if i ever became a mother, i worry about being like my parents were to me all these years and damaging the kids mind.
sometimes i worry instead that i won't, but that my own damaged mind will make me too whimpy, where id rather be strong to motivate and help kid with life.
then sometimes i almost want to mother, so i can prove that teaching someone with love is more effective and great than teaching them with fear.

my family always, always uses fear and pain tactics. they probably think they're teaching me a lesson right now, even as an adult.

soon, that job should start so soon
then in a couple months maybe i can get a cheap home. i hope i make enough money for this.

*update: I'm in a safe place and healing.
I'm gonna erase this main post just cause it has a lot of deep emotion that I dont want to immortalize in text. This thread served a purpose in a sense, this site can kinda be a safe place sometimes when I'm sitting alone irl and I super appreciate that <3

Its so good!
I think they're making a new diablo game too, I'm really excited to hear more about it O:

The minigames are only for off-season time, so they go on for most of the year! the server is pretty active year-round cause of it
https://discord.gg/artfight

They close minigames for Artfight month, then like a month after it ends is usually when they open them again and they'll change them up (draw the person above you always stays each year, people love it)

Yes! Diablo 3, a good ol classic xD

I had a couple OC commissions and I also tend to join in on exchange events on discord. Artfight has a server with minigames like draw the person above you. I was like a month late on mine cause life got chaotic |D
but all is done for now!

It was very windy this morning here, too. Pretty relaxing :vanora_icon:
I spent a good half of the day playing video games with my partner, since I somehow have managed to finish all of my overdue drawings this weekend.
So I'm pretty stoked <3 I get to finally playyyy

I forgot to link to the etsy page that they're on!

The only reason I know my ring size is cause I just kinda guessed one time when buying a $1 ring off ebay. I still wear it xD its "the one ring" but thinner and silver.

@koneko:
Either the silver or the rose gold! I love the rose color but silver is easier for me to balance with my other accessories. I'm usually wearing blacks or silvers lol

Hello~!
Tryina post more this event but I keep forgetting |D

hows it going in here

an itty bitty 36
must catch up~!

Poltergeist

Hello hello~!

I cannot express how much I want this ring
that is actually in my size (4) that usually isn't offered when I find cute ass rings ;v;
Alas I cannot afford it yet, so I should share with you guys

@vixen:
Wow, thats insane! But I can definitely imagine how much that was when only a year has gotten me this bad.
I wanted to toss everything as soon as each class ended, but I knew this exam would need the memory refreshers ;v;
Maybe my next course wont get as bad