It hasn't even been a full 2 weeks yet since I've been without a job, and here you come already, swinging those passive aggressive remarks around like you think I won't pick up on the fact that you have a huge problem with the very sight of me. Like, you're aware that my stress has been so bad that I was very nearly hospitalized just now, but you wanna come and pile more onto me by breathing down my neck and making your dumbass doom-and-gloom "predictions" about the nonexistent "future". No, dummy, months aren't going to just fly by with me not getting anything done. Yes, I do fully expect to have a job within the next few weeks; why shouldn't I? I'm not an idiot like you seem to believe for whatever reason. I have a car, I have job experience, and I had a valid reason for quitting my last job, and left on good terms. I could go back to that same job if I really wanted to, but my health won't let me right now, which was why I left in the first place. AND YOU KNOW THAT. And as much as you love making assumptions about me or what I'm doing, maybe you should assume the obvious: that I've been using this time to recover and work on the things that I've neglected due to work and health-related issues, like researching schools and fixing my sleep schedule and running all kinds of errands and getting my health back on track. I have bills to pay, a car that needs an inspection and a tune-up, taxes that need to be filed, commissions that need to be completed, and a shit ton of other things that need to be addressed. And I'm doing all that while trying to recover from a pretty bad bout of symptoms, which I was very nearly over before you started back with your old favorite BS complaints and "worries" about things that are not and never were real problems, just because you hate me being here so much that you refuse to acknowledge what's really happening around you in favor of your made-up fantasy of me being some kind of lazy gross moron who does nothing but use your precious resources and waste time and space. Because I guess it's easier on you to pretend that I'm the problem than it is to take any responsibility for your own contributions to my lack of opportunities or to my health problems, which I've been very obviously busting my ass to overcome in spite of you.

rrrrrrRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEEE

I hate living here so much I can't stand it. I feel completely non-functional, like everything just has to stop whenever she's around, even worse when she has company over. Because I know the minute I come into view, I'll be stopped and questioned or forced into an awkward conversation or expected to perform for the guest like some kind of toy. And even just knowing she's here, hearing her moving around the house, hearing her in there talking to someone, gives me anxiety. I feel stupid hiding out waiting for her and her company to leave, but I'm also pissed off that I can't just relax and go about my business. I can't just go to the kitchen for a simple cup of coffee without the fear of being seen and judged. I feel like if I want to leave my room at all, I'll have to get all washed and dressed up just to go get breakfast a few feet away, just because of her. This is ridiculous.

Continuing yesterday's rant because apparently life just CAN'T STOP shitting on me! :'^D
So now my grandma has taken notice of some damage that I apparently didn't see on my car and had to question me about it. Made the mistake of telling her what happened, which led her to start judging me and prying into my business of course, and when I dared to imply that I wanted to be left alone to handle my situation my own way, she started RANTING AND YELLING at me while talking down to me like I was just some stupid, disrespectful child. And going on and on and on, and now I'm having flashbacks to the last time she started this crap (not that long ago, mind you) and how I was suicidal then and my health has been getting worse and I can't handle her starting this same shit with me AGAIN right now I really can't do it any more. But where else am I supposed to go? I can't stay here with someone who gives zero shits about my mental or physical well-being and feels entitled to me and expects me to sing her songs of praise for constant validation while she continues to put me down and treat me like garbage. I can't handle it. I barely survived the first time she did it, or the second time for that matter, or the third. And I barely survived when my mom was doing it for years nonstop before her. I can't waste what little life I have left just "barely surviving"; that will run out VERY QUICKLY at this rate. I was literally days away from landing in the hospital only a few short weeks ago, and I just got lucky enough that my health started improving a little after I put in my two weeks' notice. And now my symptoms are ramping up again because every time I start to feel even a little bit better and am ready to be more productive and get out there and do things, here she comes to wreck my shit and make sure I stay in a perpetual state of physical pain, illness, and emotional distress. Because I guess as long as I'm not paying rent (which I've told her multiple times all she has to do is write a rental agreement and I'd gladly pay rent--but she refuses to do so because she wants to have something to hold over me and make herself look like the victim), she has to make sure I "pay" in other ways. By being miserable and unable to achieve anything, I guess. Cool. Great. If I don't find a place to stay for the next few months while I wait for my house, the place I end up staying will probably just be the hospital because that's where this is headed. Again.