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Forums Serious Talk Trying to get back together with an ex?

Donator — Monster Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 09:43:57 )
Now this isn't my story, it's my brother's friends story. I wasn't too sure what to say to him on the subject since I would never get back together with an ex and I would tell my friends that (especially if they broke it off themselves) it simply wasn't meant to be.

So my brother has a crush on this girl, I'm gonna call her E, and E knows my brother likes her but clearly she doesn't feel the same as she's been providing little hints here and there. Now E was in a relationship for about five months with this guy, but he wasn't giving her the attention she was seeking and he was becoming more and more of a butt as time progressed so she broke up with him. A month has passed since they broke up and now she's desperately trying to get back together with him; and I literally mean desperate. She's been texting him almost daily, asking if he still has feelings for her and he usually responds within a few days saying no. Yet she keeps trying.

My brother doesn't know what to suggest, and he asked me what I would do, but honestly I don't know. I'd tell her to get over it, but honestly I've never felt the way she's feeling so it's unfair of me to be so apathetic. I want to know how I should respond, what advice I could give. One of my other friends has a friend whom after his girlfriend broke up with him did the exact same thing E is doing, and my friend told him to suck it up and move on but it seemed to only hurt him more.

Obviously in both these instances it's none of my business, but my brother is a very anxious guy, and this sort of thing doesn't help him. Help?
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Donator — She/her Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 09:56:39 )
The biggest thing to always remember in a relationship is that you can never change someone. People aren't yours to mould. So the idea that this guy would change or be different if they were to get back together makes 0 sense. Not to be a pessimist about the whole thing, but the only advice you really can give is for her to move on because she'll just end up in the vicious cycle all over again.

Now, for your brother, I don't know his type or if he likes the attention-needing personality, but this girl doesn't quite sound like girlfriend material if he's looking for something serious. Seeing as he's an anxious guy, her behavior in this situation I think could lead to more anxiety if they were to start dating. It seems like one of those relationships where one person doesn't feel like they're getting the attention so they force the attention by breaking up with the person and then regret it later. (Not to say he wasn't a butt. Maybe he wasn't treating her well, but then that's back to point A up there ^.)

I dunno, maybe I'm totally wrong though. xD Relationships are haaaaaard.
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Donator — Roleplayer Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:02:02 )
I wouldn't tell her to flat out move on, since yes, it could just make her angry and hurt her, but I would say that eventually, she will get tired of chasing after him and hearing "no" every time. Obviously, if he doesn't have feelings for her anymore, then he doesn't, that's not going to change. He doesn't want to be with her, so eventually, she will stop and get over him on her own. That's the thing though, she has to do it on her own and no one can really help her move on.
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Donator — Monster Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:37:57 )
@Prodigy: I know you're right about the anxiety not meshing well with her attention seeking behaviour; it's already impacting him and they aren't even a couple lol.

I'll have to pass the advice on though, I really am starting to think that telling her just to try and move on is best'; I could always tell my brother to tell her "my sister said this" XD

@Ginji: I get that..Maybe the better question is how can I help my brother deal with her in this state? ;; Because of course at the end of the day I worry about my brother more than anyone in the situation. Nothing bugs me more then when he's upset.
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Donator — She/her Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:39:33 )
@Sulley: Yeah, sometimes even though you want to be with someone it's not always best for your health. >< Hopefully she'll end up taking the advice better if it's from someone other than your brother, though.
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Donator — Monster Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:41:45 )
@Prodigy: I've had a few relationships like that; maybe that's why my brother came to me for advice XD Fingers crossed, I know it helps me when a third person gives advice who isn't totally connected to the situation.
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Donator — She/her Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:43:03 )
@Sulley: Third party perspectives can help a lot, so now it's just time to cross your fingers and hope she takes it well! The tough part is that moving on is always easier said than done, so it might take a while. ><
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Donator — Roleplayer Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:47:58 )
@Sulley: As for your brother, if this girl ends up never moving on and can't see that this behavior isn't good for her or anyone around her, it might be best to cut all ties with her. You said he has a crush on her though, so it would be difficult, but then if she causes him lots of anxiety, she's not good to have around.
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Donator — Monster Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 10:59:25 )
@Ginji: Yeah...I hope she does, because she seems like a nice enough friend, but absolutely if she acts that way around my brother it'll be hard for him. I think anxiety runs in the family because I always get anxious myself when I think about this sort of thing with regards to my brother. ;;
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Donator — Roleplayer Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 11:03:15 )
@Sulley: I am anxious about everything, so I completely understand that. I have friends online who were really rude to me at times and terrible and yet I still continue to talk to them because I don't like it when people are mad at me and dislike me. I thought a few times just to tell them that it was fine if they were mad because they were a terrible person anyway and not a good friend, but I couldn't say that.
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Donator — - Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 11:06:48 )
I agree with prodigy on all points. Also, I'm a very "no nonsense" kind of guy with serious thing and I never sugar coat things, so I'm the kind of person to be like, "Move on because you can't make him like you again." I tend to come off as apathetic with a lot of things and I never really mean to seem like I don't care. At the same time, I know that even if the truth hurts, it needs to be said sometimes.
Idk though. I'm not really "#1 Boyfriend" material and I'm kind of apathetic about a lot of things, so maybe you shouldn't really take my advice...
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Donator — Monster Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 11:13:27 )
@Shamrock Shamus: That's honestly how I am as well; I'm blunt, and can sometimes come across as a butt because of that. I kinda feel like being a little bit blunt may help though, again if it's from a third person maybe it'd help her? Like I think if I'm the one who has to say something and not my brother, it's serious and it's a problem, because my brother does try to be gentle, which is nice; but probably not helping enough.
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Donator — - Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/4 11:18:42 )
@Sulley: Yeah, I mean, I know your brother doesn't want to hurt her but sometimes being gentle sort of doesn't get you anywhere or get your point across. I know that sounds awful but like I said, sometimes the truth needs to be said whether it hurts or not. Maybe coming from a third party would help. I also know that some people would be like, "Well, she should mind her own business." Idk. You're in a tough spot. If you weren't so concerned about your brother, I'd suggest just letting it play out on its own. But I understand the need to protect your brother from potential harm because I'm that way with my kids. Hmm.
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Donator — A.I. Posted 7 years ago ( 2017/09/5 22:23:42 )
If she is the attention-seeking type, she is also most likely the type who fears being alone to the point of allowing herself to be abused just to remain in the relationship. As others have said, there are no magic words you can say to her that will help her move on; she'll have to get over it herself, which she probably will once the infatuation dies down--meaning, someone else comes along.

As for your brother, I feel bad that he's got feelings for this girl, and is more or less watching her go through the same dilemma. But perhaps one day he'll realise how potentially toxic she could be and the heart-shaped glasses will come off. I just doesn't end in heartbreak for him.
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