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xvz

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@chiffonorange: aww lol
does it get cool at night? does it get cooler in the dry season at all?

ooh i've been drinking cold water and sitting in front of the fan
luckily it's not too bad at night and not as bad in the shadier parts of my apartment
i don't usually shower twice a day but i have in the past if it gets really bad and i just feel gross lol
like if i had to go outside and stuff

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: It gets cooler (but not way too cooler) at night. :o So yeah, I kinda prefer the night if... it weren't for light pollution that is.

Ahh I see *nods* Makes sense as it's normal to feel this way especially when it comes to going outside *nods again*

xvz

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@chiffonorange: ooh my city has a lot of light pollution too, it might be similar
there are a lot of sounds at night too
i like having my window open for air but lately i've been closing it at night to sleep better

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: I see *nods* hearing lots of sounds outside of your house at night must be really noisy due to the place. I tend to hear people who revs their motorcycle very loudly for no reason at night ._.

Ah that is understandable since having a good sleep is important to one's health :o

xvz

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@chiffonorange: ahh yeah i get motorcycles too!
though maybe they're more popular or common where you are?
are you in a very urban area?

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: They're more common as they're probably cheaper than a car and I live in a town where cars and motorcycles are more common although I do see people riding their bicycles and walking (both are too dangerous due to people look like they don't give a damn about the road law/rules and safety (. _ . ; )

xvz

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@chiffonorange: ah that makes sense
plus most of the us is very spread out so a lot of people end up needing to drive cars
i know mopeds are super common in some countries tho! like mopeds and motorcycles are just a common part of the culture and not just a niche hobbyist thing (like it is in the states)

i remember watching flcl when i was younger and wanting to ride a moped lol but now that i'm older i'm probably too scared

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: Ah I see. *nods* To each own I suppose lol

That's interesting :o I never watched FLCL as a kid before so I don't really know much about it ^_^;

xvz

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@chiffonorange: ah it's been a while since i watched it so i'm not sure what my opinion on it would be like today
but at the time i remember it being ~ edgy ~ lol and pretty surreal which i like a lot
i remember the animation being very dynamic!! like quick movements, lots of dynamic/distorted perspective, bold colors, angles, etc.
also there's a tv head character!! i wouldn't mind making a cosplay avi sometime w the tv head item we have here

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: I see :o and who wouldn't wanna do a cosplay avatar of their favourite chracters? :3 That'd be cool!

xvz

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@chiffonorange: i think it could be fun with the angelic halo and wings + thirteen cat!
(kind of hard to find a good ref picture to show you but i tried lol)

how has your week been going so far? ^^

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: Ooo I see! That'd be cool though and it's okay, I think that's a good reference picture already ^_^

It was okay so far but I do have some thoughts sometimes... well deep ones that is.

xvz

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@chiffonorange: thanks ^^ i think it would be fun to put together sometime
i need to get a tv head first tho lol

oh? what have you been thinking about lately?

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: Mmhmm. :3 Oh! I think there is a tv head from the Ohm My Gosh shop :o I think.

Urmm... I'm not sure if it's okay to talk about it here but

there are times where I feel like complete sh*t and useless and wonder if it would better if I disappear entirely.

xvz

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@chiffonorange: hey i'm really sorry to hear that. do you want to talk about it? we can pm too if you prefer
depression is a real thing and it's not your fault... is there anyone in your life you feel comfortable talking to about it?

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: It's not your fault. Either pm or here is fine so I'm okay with them. ...Technically no, I didn't had anyone except my family in my life and I didn't feel comfortable talking about it to my family as I know they will scoff at me for being "crazy" or "nonsense" which pretty much hurts me a bit. It also doesn't help that there is no genuine help/diagnosis for mental health in Malaysia either due to stigma...

...So my only option is to keep quiet, there are few times where I...

had thoughts about suicide (attempted or not) and sometimes scratching my forearms to cope my frustration/sadness.

xvz

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@chiffonorange: that sounds really difficult, not being able to talk to your family and not having a lot of resources for support, especially with the cultural stigma. you're definitely not "crazy" and depression is not "nonsense," and it's reasonable those comments would feel hurtful.

it sounds like you're in a lot of pain to be having these thoughts and to be scratching as a coping mechanism.

what has been going on that has you feeling this way?

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: Tbh I feel like a complete burden to my family most times, and I thought it would be better if I didn't exist in the first place. Having social anxiety is also making my life even more difficult as I do get really nervous about anything that deals with communication (especially when it comes to face to face/eye contact which I'm having trouble with) since childhood till now.

And true, sometimes living in a country where mental health is looked down upon didn't really help at all and it also doesn't help that there are some countries (including Malaysia) where

suicide (whether attempted or not) and assisted suicide are illegal and could get one arrested if they commit one

xvz

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@chiffonorange: i can imagine it may feel that way, but you are definitely not a burden. depression, anxiety, and cultural stigma can be really hard to navigate, especially together. it sounds frustrating to be in an environment where the response is punishment instead of care and support. what is your relationship with your family like? (if that's ok to ask)

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Hydrangea

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@xvz: True. *nods* Having care and support would be nice instead of outright punishment, imprisonment and stigma. Then again, it would probably takes years for them to realise...

My relationship with my family is, well mixed. I don't really, really hate them as they aren't bad but sometimes I wish they could listen to me and at least be supportive even if it's for a moment. ...Though I lowkey find myself feel ignored by my family a little, and that leads me to talking to myself just to cope my feelings and sanity whenever I'm actually alone.

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