He left me.
My dreams for my future are too scary for him, doesn't like change. So now this person whom had previously sworn to marry me, just up and walked out.
I told him my dreams when we were just friends. Told him there's no if, I'm gonna make it.
Now that its so close to my reach..

You know I just had a review at my job last night where my boss asked me what I value
I said my family. I said it isn't big, just Noah and my bird, but its my family.

The very next day that all shatters to nothing.

I can't accept it yet, some part of me thinks he's gonna walk back in later and take it back. That he just got scared again and this time he jumped.
But I don't think that will happen. And I'm not sure how to trust it if it did, like would we be fine for another month and then this happens again?
Or will we be fine until its time for me to take action and go, but then I'll turn around and he wont be beside me anymore. It's not what he wants, but he doesn't even know what he wants.

I can't give up on my dreams that I have wanted for so long.
It is not just for my enjoyment, but for my health as well. I need to leave the state we live in. I can't change course and settle for my declining health just because I love someone so much..


This one really, really hurts so much

@totalanimefan:
I know, he's just a weak willed man. Raised without a backbone and to not think for himself. He hasn't matured enough to handle the reality of life, even when its his own dreams. I guess thats what my mom said anyway, that he seems the type to want to sit back and dream, but to get scared when it actually becomes real.
He HAS matured a lot since I met him and he loves the experiences he's gained. This one is just too big for him. He wants to stay close to the family that lives to manipulate him. Return to his life before all this happened, before me, before learning his dad is a psychopath.

I love my partner with all of my heart. Every partner I've had. Enough so that I have moments of weakness where I want to give up my dreams to be with him. I did that for someone in the past and I could never be satisfied with my life. My declining health, the atmosphere here, everything. I got so depressed and spiraled into a mental crisis that I nuked my stable-at-the-time life to run. I can't do that again, I just can't throw away something that my soul wants so badly. My intuition screams at me.

But now I'm even so scared to fulfill my dream and not have him with me. I'm so scared of that now that it has become my reality, my future feels blurry and uncertain. I can still get to where I want to be, I'll just be all by myself. That idea hurts so much.

@jolly:

with the small info that you told us about your ex, its enough for me to concern that if he does come back to you, i doubt he will be a good moral support for you if theres any bumps on the way.

to his perspective (in which i will explain in this paragraph), he felt that he's not matching the same level as you even though your dream is JUST starting to unravel. its a big sign that he isnt a good pillar for you and potentially if you got yourself bigger, and this cause grief on his end, that grief will cause more discord in the household than ever before. thats the reality if you chose a wrong person to live the rest of your life with. I have proof of that, i saw it in my own family and also a couple of friends who had toxic relationship experiences.

if you ever meet the next partner later, thats good. but as for now, if you wanted to meet the right person, you first must prove that you can stand up for yourself and all your needs covered. the person that you want to be with, they are also particularly picky as well. you wont see them in the shadows until you alone shine in their eyes and then you will realised theyre there. in this downtime, this is your best opportunity to do baby steps, what can you do to cope up with the sudden change of lifestyle. and also, the process of slowly accepting yourself, see your flaws, accept your humanity and striving motivation to look for solutions in your current situation is alone to help you pick yourself up.. getting yourself distracted from the ghosts from the past by choosing doing things that helps your future. if you know some good friends who can regularly support you in this first step, its okay to do so until you are able to self motivate yourself.

i hope this helps.

All of your inputs are really helpful, and you're all right.
I am the only one hesitant in this change but he has 200% accepted it already.
There is no reversing this, its really really done.

I know it was final before I posted any of this but part of me kept feeling it wasn't real. I even had a ring on my finger, a promise to make that final, there's no way this could've happened.
Even my manager couldn't believe it when I called to explain I wont be coming in tonight. But I think the reason it feels so unexpected to me is because I didn't want to see this as a possibility. Reflected my own positive emotions for this person and assumed it was all the same in return.
He wasn't insincere just... probably didn't know it either.

I need to let go but aaaaaaaaaaahfgkjsgh
I need to pack his things and rearrange my room so I can see clearly again, that's what I always do to start anew.
But my health is even so poor lately I can hardly stay on my feet for more than an hour without getting dizzy or light headed.
I have to actively remind myself that THAT IS WHY I cannot give in no matter what, I must achieve my goals even if my bird is my only companion the whole way there.

You're probably right. mind over matter probably wont serve me well this week, though.

I cant do this, I cant

My heart aches for you, and I’m proud of you for working this out like you have and being true to yourself. Stay strong and be good to yourself. Do what you can handle each day and remember you’ll get through it. Let yourself feel the pain and remember you can survive it. That’s how I handle deep hurts, hope some of it helps you. Keep us updated on how you’re doing.

@jolly: I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sorry it couldn't work out. I hope that, at the least, the experiences you shared propel you both forward. I know you're hurting now, but it will pass. Distractions are good, but don't be ashamed of feeling sad. Or angry. Or a range of different emotions. Give yourself that time to recover. Above all, be kind to yourself.