Xanthan's posts

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Loving a Narcissist

10 single digits
That's all I asked of you
To hear your voice and not read
Sweet things you'd say like I miss and I love you

Everything had to be complicated
Because clear communication was lacked
Mostly due to an aversion to cellular phones
Though you were in love your Insta, your tweets, and your snaps

I do miss you terribly
And yes my heart aches for you
I've seen your hints and posts
You've carefully laid out as clues

I want so much to respond to them
To let you know I read the message
They're coming through loud and clear
Instead I decided to write these words
To release my hearts burdens and fears

And as I spell it all out
Enduring this painful and insufferable schism
It hurts deeply to read your own words
And how you play both the hero and also the victim

I fought so hard to keep you by my side
In fact, I asked and I begged it's true
Instead you chose to ran off and to hide
Then sing a sad song as if you're singing the blues

The lyrics point to all those once in your life
The ones that you they didn't want
How they hurt you and then snubbed you
All of them throwing you right out the door

Yet where are the lyrics
Just a few which explain
How it was you who was responsible for leaving this last time
And lyrics describing all those times
It was me that you'd ignore

Please don't you worry one bit
For my heart it doesn't hate
But there's no room in my life
For things like luck, fortune, or fate

I'll wrap this all up neatly
And repeat myself once more
An app request and 10 digits
Are what is needed from you
Towards making any kind of amends

Just a little bit of action to show
To back up some of what was written
Like saying I let it all go
While you're still hanging on

Well, on your next choice, you see
Is where everything is hinged
And I still love you hole punches
Though my heart has been singed

And as my heart still aches for you
I have to say this as well
Bleeding love, feeling blue, to barely exist
That's certainly now way to live
Holding your breath and waiting to hear from
Someone so special, someone who's a narcissist

~Xanthan 7/2020

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@DevilkinBoi: can I come color your hair?

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@Kozi: I colored a friends hair and my hands were pink for days. I was singing aerosmith pink the whole time lol

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@Kozi: hey hey hey. How things going over here in the hangout?

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@LilMissKushy: omg listening to your story takes me way back. At one point I let my brother move in with me and my partner at the time. Well it was my brother and his wife and their 2 kiddos. It was a constant kiddo convention lol. We did have specific shows which the kids let us know were approved or not approved lol later on though I did get my son to watch things I watched growing up such as fraggle rock. Smurfs. Things such as that. Maybe try slipping something in that you would rather endure from time to time. Like have it on when they wake up and create a bit of a fuss over it. Get excited and do things such as....oh wow what is this...this looks neat or exciting.....oh no what are they going to do next. Kinda narrate the story for a few minutes and it may help them get hooked on something new.

I'm proud of you for commiting to just a little bit of time for your artwork. I think it'll help you out a lot. And who knows what you'll be able to produce and how much you'll feel better just for getting something out on paper or canvas.

I'm so glad you ended up with your daughter even after being told you couldn't or wouldn't have kiddos. Being mostly gay I knew the reality of it all. But life had other plans and I met an amazing person and tbh even then I didn't imagine kids. We were only together in that way one drunken night but hey it led to my son so no regrets.

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@Kingslowpoke: I have known many men who refuse to face reality or the facts of a situation but instead they stay stuck in their mood or their own head and buck up no matter what is said. It could be density, it could just be someone stubbon who would rather complain or who would rather be in control of the whole situation and do what they want to do. either way I am sorry you were subjected to it. Lord knows it can be trying on the nerves. LOL

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@Totalanimefan: I agree so very much. We are a collective people. We yearn for those connections. Sadly, fear and shame and vulnerability keep some of us from being our best selves.

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@LilMissKushy: do it then. Give yourself a portion of time. 10 15 20 30 min but make it your time. Have things ready or close at hand so you can just take a bit of time and doodle or sketch or whatever you feel like doing. Don't rush it. Just be in the moment. Nobody says you have to dedicate hours at a time to appreciate your craft.

My wee one is 13 going on 14. He's a handful but I've never been prouder in my life. Just thinking of him or hearing his laugh and seeing his smiling face....it reminds me of all that is good in the world and all that is divine and beautiful. I never thought I'd have kids. I ended up with one and I tell ya, he's my world. He's the brightest light when even I feel my soul getting dark. I'm getting ready eyes just typing this. ^///^

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@Totalanimefan: praise the powers that be. That is awesome news. Thank you for tagging and sharing.

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So during my studies I've come across this woman Brene Brown. She is a social scientist who studies some hard topics such as shame and vulnerability. Here is a take away from one of her talks or her Netflix special. I don't quite remember what I was liatening to.

The myth of: I can go it alone!

Someone came up to talk to Brown after one of her presentations and said, "You've convinced me. I'm going to try vulnerability, but I'm going to try it by myself. I'll see how it goes and then I'll try it with other people." The crowd laughs, partly at the absurdity of this declaration, but also, because we recognize ourselves in this.

We live in a culture that admires people who do it on their own. We don't want to ask for help. We don't want to ask for support. It's scary to be vulnerable with others. We could be rejected. Our hearts could break. We don't want to need others, but we do. We're biologically "wired for connection." We need other people for survival. And in addition, Brown states, "In the absence of love and belonging there is suffering."

In the end, vulnerability is scary, but it's better than getting to the end of your life and realizing that you didn't show up or be seen.

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@Totalanimefan: if you need anything or wanna talk I am here. Hugs. I'll keep on praying.

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@Jolly: OMG CONGRATS!!!! You so got this.

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@LilMissKushy: Goodness sakes. I only have the one kiddo. But being a single parent, in the south, nontraditional family if you will, things can be a bit rough. Oh and 4 cats. LOL I wish I were more artsy, however, I simply have not put forth the effort to become better. I have considered painting though. I think that could be fun and I could get my son involved.

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@LilMissKushy: I used to write a lot more in general, so yes. I am getting back into it though. I write for school, but I am also writing for fun again. I will try and post some more on here if I do. Do you write?