There's this guy on my team I've made friends with since day 1. He is super nice and overly polite, but the more I get to know him, the more his insecurities shine through and I realise he's a tryhard.
He's always offering to buy me food or coffe, which I often decline because I don't want to take advantage of him. He also often wants to hold my hand or rub my arm while asking if I'm okay. (he's gay so I know there's no agenda as I present female for my own protection)
He also tells me at least once a day how glad he is I'm his friend.
If he can get away with it he sneaks a hug from anyone near him, and he's always complimenting everyone. He's also overly apologetic.
All of this points towards him being a nice guy who is just a little worried people won't like him
Which he often talks about. "This and that person doesn't like me"
I know I'm an asshole and he's really a super nice guy, but when people tryhard to get me to like them when I've already said I like them, it bugs me. When people are overly nice, it bugs me.
It makes me grumpy and withdrawn and I have no reason for being that way! Logically, I should be thrilled someone nice actually wants to spend time with me! I should be glad he's buying me coffee because we both know I can't afford to get it myself! I should be grateful!
But noooo, my warped brain goes "ewww, affection"
What the heck is wrong with me? And does behaviour like his seem off-putting to anyone else?
Am I the only one who's mind works in this strange way?
Forums Serious Talk I'm an asshole and my new friend is a tryhard
@Miika: there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. His personality can be really tiring.
Talk to him. Let him know that you value his friendship and even though it’s hard for him, he should stop being afraid to lose you as a friend.
If you let him know that you can understand where he is coming from and then say how you feel (don’t yell or be mean) then it should get better.
I forgot to add that you should say please don’t touch me.
I totally feel you on the "eww affection" level, my brain does the same thing. However, there's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. I don't like to be touched much and my best friends know this (i do like hugs though), but they have come to understand this about me and respect my boundaries, even though they are very touch driven themselves. If they are a good friend they will understand <3
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I feel bad for people like that because they probably have low self-esteem or have some really bad trauma with previous friends. ): But there are also people out there who are super giving, like those from middle eastern cultures and Japanese peeps. It’s ok to give stuff to friends to show you care and appreciate them. It’s not ok if it’s because they feel like it’s the only way they can keep you as a friend.
Try to talk to this friend about it, otherwise if you just ghost them because they annoy you too much, it might make them try harder for any future friendships and add on to their (possible) bad friendship experience. Plus set up boundaries if their touching bothers you. I don’t like to be touched (long story I’d rather not get into), and I always make sure to tell all my friends, otherwise they get butthurt when I cringe away from hugs and other physical contact.
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I feel like you just described my current living situation lol. There's someone in my life who tries waaaay to damn hard and I can't stand it. I also severely dont trust it because all the people I've ever met like that ended up doing horrible, unforgivable things to me. Thats why I'm isolating myself and trying so hard not to bump into them... its tiring either way and I worry I'm a jerk for wanting to be left well alone... but I really don't think I am. We just have to deal with people who don't understand boundaries in their search for everyone's affection.
If he's actually not secretly trying to get with you, then I don't see the problem with him being overly nice to you. How fortunate of you to have a friend like that IRL. Dude just seems overly nice and trying to fit in. If that makes him a "try hard" then damn. If you really don't like how he's behaving around you, tell him. I had a friend who used to be overly-huggy and so incredibly nice to literally everyone. At the time, I was annoyed by it because it seemed like she was just trying to make friends with everyone blah blah. 10 years later she still behaves like that. That's just her personality and I really miss it.
@Totalanimefan: excellent points. I couldn't agree more!
People like that tend to have insecurities due to abandonment or a lack of stability. Sit down and have a nice talk. Set healthy boundaries and definitely provide reassurances and empathy. Validating someone is a powerful thing.
Conversely your feelings and thoughts are equally valid. But you made an important revelation in your post, he is a nice guy and that warrants a bit of understanding and leeway. Maybe he doesn't know how to be a friend other than to buy things. He didn't become this person overnight and if he is willing to try and change remember the change won't happen overnight as well. So just talk to him. See what happens.
People like that tend to have insecurities due to abandonment or a lack of stability. Sit down and have a nice talk. Set healthy boundaries and definitely provide reassurances and empathy. Validating someone is a powerful thing.
Conversely your feelings and thoughts are equally valid. But you made an important revelation in your post, he is a nice guy and that warrants a bit of understanding and leeway. Maybe he doesn't know how to be a friend other than to buy things. He didn't become this person overnight and if he is willing to try and change remember the change won't happen overnight as well. So just talk to him. See what happens.
@Xanthan: thank you very much. I feel like you put my thoughts into words better than I did!
@Totalanimefan: you are very welcome. My degree is in Criminal justice and psychology. Applying to grad school for mental health counseling or possibly social work. I find that I would love to work with teens and such vs adults lol I feel a lot for younger generations and the older ones as well. Times are changing fast and things are much harder on kiddos. It is a shame. And parents aren't spending enough active time participating in their kids life. And rant before I begin soap box preaching lol maybe I need to see if we have a priest set of avatar items jk
@Xanthan: wow that would be a great job. I hope that you get to do that. There aren’t able people doing that as a job.
@Totalanimefan: thank you. I jusy fot some awesome news on grad school. I'll be switching my major to clinical mental health counseling but I have already spoken with the director of the program etc. I'm super stoked.
@Xanthan: oh my gosh congrats!!
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@Totalanimefan: thank you. It has been a tough road but I've has support along the way. Some of that support is still with me. Some I wish were. 3 more years and I'll be able to help others in a more official role. :) it makes me happy to help others.
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.