Well that's done - Voltra Online

Aisukohi

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My mind is a mess of thoughts with what's been going on with my life recently, so I'll just cut to the chase and go into detail with future posts as needed.

Basically, on New Year's Eve, I made the decision to sever the last point of contact I had with my paternal grandmother (and by extension, paternal grandfather). Long story short, over the last several years, our relationship has become progressively more strained as she is just a toxic person who can't acknowledge that she lacks morals and empathy for her own family, namely, my dad. 2 years ago shortly before Thanksgiving, my dad and my family had made the decision that we wouldn't visit my grandparents anymore. That didn't mean we weren't open to seeing them in a mutual location, but we would not go to their home anymore. Seeing as my grandparents have always been a large part of my life, and wanting to be a good person, I kept my grandmother as a friend on my Facebook so that she could continue to receive updates with my life if she so chose. Ever since this rift, she's hardly reacted to my content, which is fine and dandy, but when she does react, she always manages to leave a snarky comment that circles back to this whole situation--something that the rest of the world doesn't need to know, and is frankly inappropriate when it doesn't relate at all to what I posted to begin with. So New Year's Eve she did it again, blaming my "behavior" on my dad because "he always controlled me and always will" and I just lost it. I first hid her comment and contemplated messaging her to chew her out about all the years of abuse we've endured from her, but thought the better of it and just blocked her entirely.

I should feel happy, right? But I'm back and forth with emotions and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm very aware that it's normal to grieve over severed relationships no matter how necessary that severance was. I just wondered if someone had advice or can relate or whatever.

I apologize if something didn't make sense here as I'm pretty fried from IRL happenings not related to this situation. But I needed to put this somewhere because I don't like this unhealthy feeling. If anyone needs clarification or more details, I'm happy to divulge to an extent.

Thanks in advance for reading. <3 My responses may be slow, but I'll pop back here to check when I have a free moment.

TL;DR: I severed my last point of contact with my grandmother who's been a big part of my life up until recently and need ways to cope.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: I thought it was written well and I could understand what you were saying. :)
As for how you are feeling maybe this article can help.
4 Steps to Healing After Cutting a Parent Out of Your Life
It's about a parent, but I'm sure the same applies when it's a grandparent.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: Thank you for that read. <3 I think I'm pretty good with steps 2 and 3, but 1 and 4 are things I could work on. I'm not as social as I'd like to be IRL, but maybe this year I can get out more and build more relationships.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: You're welcome ^^ Whenever I feel like I'm having relationship troubles, or mental health problems I always google my thought and then that website because I think all of the writers are experts in the field. It's also good for finding therapists. ^^ It's how I found one I used when I lived in CA.
Don't push yourself too much, but it could be a nice goal for the year. :)

MoodyB

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『 Moody Says. . .』

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i completely understand where you are coming from. I recently had to cut and block out my aunt's gam entirely as they were very toxic and overall shunned my fam for such basic things.

i dont even know how to really cope with cutting people out as i myself am figuring it out but taking steps slowly of moving on and just focusing on what matters to me and makes me happy has helped.
and trying to stop looking up any social media pages they have.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: A therapist is not a bad idea, actually. I know people come to them for a range of things, so that makes sense. I'd have to do some research to see who's affordable in my area. Plus I'm not sure my insurance covers such services, but we have open enrollment coming up in the next month or so, so something for me to look into.

@MoodyB: Lucky for me, Facebook is the only social media platform I use, so it didn't take much blocking on my part lol. I still have her phone numbers on my phone, but I never use them, so will probably delete them soon. She's never been one to call anyone in the family, as she thinks phones are a one-way thing. Then she wonders why nobody comes around. I'm ranting, but this took a lot of thought, so I know the healing process will take a while. You're right that doing things that make you happy definitely helps. I want to do more of that this year, while hopefully being more careful with my money lol. I probably spend too much on food and activities, but I need to try to save for some other things, like a house and a wedding haha.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: yeah it can be expensive. But maybe if you only need a few sessions it could be worth it.

MoodyB

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『 Moody Says. . .』

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@Aisukohi: my aunt is the same way. You have to call her. Even her daughter is. Like even when something tragic happens in a family[which did with my fam] she expects you to call HER. not the other way around.
and everyone thinks her word is set in stone because of her status...

Yes good! super happy that you will slowly but surely heal from this ordeal. It's never easy to move on from family who have wronged or betrayed you. Trust me. But as time moves forward and the more things you do that make you happy, it'll be less difficult.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: I wish therapy in general was more affordable. But hey, all healthcare here is expensive. Some days I wish I could live in another country where it's more affordable if not free, but becoming a citizen anywhere else sounds like a pain.

@MoodyB: I know every family has at least one dysfunctional person, but some people just amaze me and make me wonder how they've managed to live so long doing what they do. But manipulators know how to thrive, I guess.

My mom was an only child, and both of her parents are gone now. These are the only grandparents I have left (blood-related). Which is I guess what makes it harder for me. My fiance's grandmother on his mom's side is still around, and she's so sweet. If only I could communicate with her better (she only speaks Spanish). I just need more discipline with the language since I hardly use it lol.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: I totally agree. The amount that we pay for anything in America's healthcare system is just too much. When I lived in England I thought that the healthcare system was great. When I had to go to the Dr there was no looking up who takes your insurance, and what will they cover and then worrying the the place wasn't wrong about taking your insurance.
I would just walk into a clinic or a Dr's office, wait for my name to be called, they looked at me and I told them what was wrong, and then they would have been pick up my Rx at a pharmacy. And the rate for Rxs in the UK is a set rate. It's like $12 US. Under 16's and over 60's don't pay for them. It's free for them. Everyone else pays $12 no matter what it costs. It's a flat rate.
In know in the US there are some therapist that use a sliding scale for payment, but I think that most of those people are way fully booked. The other problem with therapy atm is lots of people want to see a therapist so many aren't accepting new people atm.

MoodyB

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『 Moody Says. . .』

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@Aisukohi: yeah it really makes you wonder. my aunt and her daughter burned my sis and i real bad [metaphorically] and we even began to wonder was everything just a whole lie?

after my mom's death, they showed no respect or even cared to call. only one text and it just...hurt a lot how they were not there ever. especially since my dad is my aunt's brother...and how many of them gaslit us over many years for being less than perfect or "ideal" i just needed to stop all interaction with them alltogether.

i can definitely understand any reluctance towards cutting them out. it can be very difficult as your only grandparents left that are blood related.

learning a new language is always so difficult. i hope you'll be able to.

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blue

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Good on you!

I have some experience in cutting ties with the people and family that don't bother making an effort or have done something to deserve the cold shoulder (or excommunication). To be honest, my family follows the "four Fs" rule: friends and family fuck you first. It's a bit brazen so if you're more of a talk-it-out kind of person, this won't hold as strong. So as much as we love family and as loyal as we all are, there's a point when you don't need to keep someone in your life just because they're a familial relation.

Personally, I have to be burned a couple of times to get it through. This year I absolutely severed connections with a person that I've known and been friends with for about 20 years. While in school, I had to cut ties with someone who I had grown intimately close with over the course of a stressful year.

It's really hard, and it's incredibly easy to be pulled back into the relationship by some sweet sentiments and nostalgia, but hold strong to that initial gut feeling you had.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: The UK system sounds like a dream compared to here, but lots of places do. xD I sure wouldn't mind the $12 copays if it meant I didn't have to spend hundreds for the appointment itself. And yes, I'm sure therapists are in high demand with the pandemic taking its toll. I'm glad I have a good support system of friends and family at least. I know others aren't so fortunate.

@MoodyB: Good for you for recognizing you needed to cut ties with them! I learned the hard way what being gaslit was from a former romantic relationship. Now that I know what it is, I know how to spot it quickly and have zero tolerance for it. With my grandmother and her way of directing things back to this rift we have, I'd usually just ignore the comments or hide them altogether and move on. But that last comment was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I know my dad's not perfect, but I'll be damned if she tries to tell me if HE'S the manipulative one. As for the Spanish, I can understand it a lot better than I can speak it. I just need someone to force me to speak it more often lol. My fiance can help, but we don't have much discipline in that area. xD

@blue: Thank you! I'm sorry you had to cut ties as well, but I'm glad you recognized that you needed to and that you did it. Unfortunately I have some experience with a toxic romantic relationship in the form of emotional abuse, so I know the feelings of feeling sentimental and nostalgic for the good times. Even though that relationship lasted a few months, it took me years to get over it. Some days I wish I could meet the person again just to tell them what an awful person they were, but I don't think that would solve anything. I like to believe that karma is a thing, and if I never interacted with the person again, I'd say I could die happy lol.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: I would say that the one down side was their wait to see a therapist was very long since I wasn't an emergency but I could have just used a non-NHS therapist. And most therapists in the US aren't covered by insurance anyway, so it's the same difference I guess. (And this was 10 years ago)
I've been trying to remember and use my techniques from therapy but it's hard when the stresser doesn't go away lol. I'm glad that you have a good support system. That always helps.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: Yeah it's a shame that mental therapy doesn't seem to be seen as much of a necessity as other types of therapy. At one point in college I studied psychology as part of my major, but then I shifted gears when I realized that the career would emotionally drain me very quickly. I loved the subjects, but the idea of practicing seemed daunting, to put it lightly. I like listening to others a lot, but there's a point where it can get to be too much.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: It was my major in the past too. I just couldn't keep up with all the studies that they made it do. We didn't just learn how to be a therapist we learn how to do the science behind case studies and that part of the field. But it would totally drain me too. I don't know how people do it.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: Makes sense to learn the science behind it too. I think learning child psychology was the most interesting for me. Once I learned that younger children don't know how to not be selfish because of the way their brains develop, it was like a huge lightbulb went off and everything made sense lol.

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: I loved my child psych course. I feel like that should be a requirement in life. It explains so much about adults, and it helps adults understand kids.

Aisukohi

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@Totalanimefan: Right? Like even if you know you don't want or like kids, at least learn about them, so you know they're not being little shits on purpose. xDD

Goodbye, Voltra.
Feel free to add me on Discord: aisu9811

Totalanimefan

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@Aisukohi: Yes! It explains so much. Like I was around my 3 year old nephew and they would be like sorry, or like I don't know why he's acting this way and I was like, because he's 2 lol.
But I'm not a parent, and to be fair it's their first kid and 0-23 month olds don't act that way. So it's new to them.

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Forums Serious Talk Well that's done

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