Forums Serious Talk I Just Need To Vent
Had an appointment with my psychologist today. After I finished tagging and putting away the food by myself since my brother isn't home and my mother didn't want to help, I got my lunch and started a video call with the doctor. A little over halfway through the call, mom opens the door to my room without knocking to bitch about a stain on the countertop that wasn't coming off. "How many times have I told you not to put the bags on the countertop and put them on the stove top instead?!?" My doctor heard her, though she didn't understand what mom was saying. Before mom started her tirade, I told her I was in a video call and couldn't pause it. She didn't care. "This will only take a minute." After she left, I just felt upset and started crying a little. Doctor tried to calm me down by explaining how she could understand why my mom was annoyed, but that it wasn't a reason for her to react toward me the way she did. Of all the people in my life, my mom is THE most toxic one. Until I become financially independent, I'm stuck living with her. I try to keep the peace with her, but it seems everything I do is wrong. I ask for help, she gets mad. I don't ask for help when I need it, she gets mad. I'm constantly walking around egg shells when it comes to her and it affects me so much. I'm the only one she treats this way. My brothers may have had their fights with her, but it's nowhere near what my relationship with her is.
@devilkinboi: ur mum seems like my mum tbh.. no matter what u do for them they always find fault in something else to complain about.. my sisters didnt put up with what i put up with i used to ask myself why did i always get spoke to like crap and they didnt.. im used to it now tho doesnt bother me as much.. once your able to move out you will feel so much better.. u won't have anyone nagging at you.. and you've no one to answer to .. hope things get better for you.. <3
@LilMissKushy: I've tried to patch things up with her on multiple occasions, but she just doesn't change. She likes painting herself as the victim in everything, how she does so much for everyone, but people don't give the same treatment to her. I'm tired of it. I already had an uncomfortable moment before the pandemic blew up. I was hanging out with a friend and we kept our distance from everyone just to be safe. We went to the apartment to watch a movie, but before we could, my mother and brother asked to talk with me. It was pretty much them berating me on not taking the situation seriously, that I wasn't being careful even after I told them I was and overall talking down to me. My friend was in my room, but she overheard everything. When they finished, I went to my room and asked if she heard. She said yes and that she's amazed that I haven't lost my sanity with how the both of them treat me. I felt so validated because they've thrown the playing the victim card at me before and I feel like I should shut up. He even made a comment once about how them being passive aggressive towards me was all in my head, that I was imagining it.
@devilkinboi: my mums like that as well ..always making out like shes the victim and painting me as the bad guy to my sisters.. i try not to argue back with her now i just ignore her and leave the room when shes round or if im round at hers .. its not nice being treated like the odd one out.. that wasnt fair they both made u feel belittled and awkward infront of ur friend.. im sure she felt awkward as well having to hear it .. dont let anyone make u think things are all in ur head smh it will drive u crazy cus then you'll question yourself is it all in ur head.. hopefully u can get out of there soon.. have u any friends or other family u can stay with?
@LilMissKushy: I've gotten to the point where I rarely talk to her to try to avoid confrontations. And my brother saying that really hurt, because he's undergoing treatment as well. You'd think he'd have more empathy towards me. As for someone else I can stay with... Not really. Friends don't have space. My grandmother, as much as she would love to let me stay with her, she can't because of the rules set by her building's administration. Only other option is my dad. And as much as I love my dad... the problem isn't him, it's his girlfriend. She's a whole other basket case I'd rather not have to deal with.
@devilkinboi: yeah ur brothers probably just trying to stay on her good side so that he doesnt have to listen to her.. with ur nans place is it rules in general or just rules set because of the pandemic ?.. i hope something turns up for you.. i know what its like being in an atmosphere like that
@LilMissKushy: Rules in general. It's like an apartment complex for the elderly. Some of my cousins have stayed with her, but the rules were changed when I asked her if I could stay over for a few days. She was really sad for me when I asked. She knows how much of a handful my mother is.
I’m sorry that your mom is like that. Just know that your mom probably has a mental illness. My mom does and she can get mad really easily too.
It’s not your fault, and she still shouldn’t act like that at all. I hope that you can get away soon.
@Totalanimefan: There are already a lot of people, my doctor included, who have said that she needs to get help. She's promised me before that she'll do something about it, but like always, she does nothing. She excels at making promises she doesn't keep.
@DevilkinBoi: I feel like people like that don’t change because others want them too. They have to do it on their own. It’s annoying. :/
But at the same time you are going through so much pain. I wish I could help. My mom is ridiculously low self esteem. And it makes her angry easy, makes her think that bad things are always about her, and that no one cares about her or how her feels, then she lashes out at people. She never does anything for me even things like pick me up from the airport or get my a gift for my birthday. And only does whatever she wants and not really keep in touch with me, and her has come to see me once in 5 years (I know right now that sounds like a blessing but you feel like your parents don’t love you if they never visit and you always have to be the one traveling),
Things are never enough sometimes and there always seem to be an awkwardness or pain when she lashes out over the littlest things like having to be the one who makes dinner.
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i'm sorry to hear that <3
i know the feeling of having someone treat you like everything you do is always wrong no matter what it is. you do one thing and it's wrong, you do the opposite and it's wrong for some other made up reason. you do the same thing they do and it's ok if they do it but wrong when you do, etc. and gaslighting (being told "it's all in your head / you're imagining it" when it absolutely did happen) is super not ok :-( and i'm glad you were able to get some validation
i just wanna remind you that it's not your fault!!! you're doing great and trying your best, it's not your fault that they respond to you this way and i hope you can avoid internalizing it. it must be tough to be living in that kind of environment every day, wishing you all the best in being able to reach financial independence and be able to change your living situation soon <3
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@xvz: My doctor is helping me work to not internalize it so much, since she's heard so much about how my mother treats me when compared to how she is with my brothers. There's a BIG difference. She denies it though. Says she treats all of us equally. However, if you ask my dad, my grandmother or anyone outside the family, they'll flat out tell you there's preferential treatment for the boys(it happened in her childhood as well. Her brothers were the special ones and she wasn't). While I understand why she has some behaviors, I don't excuse it either. :/
She's also having difficulty accepting that I'm trans. I was terrified of telling her because of how she'd react. She dreamt about having a daughter, the whole dresses, dressing up, white wedding, etc. We'd clash over that to the point where our relationship became strained. I'd go months where I wouldn't talk to her or answer her calls. When I did tell her, she seemed okay at first. But on her birthday, when I asked her to please use my preferred pronouns, that I didn't expect it to happen immediately and I know she'd make mistakes, she just started making it all about her and how I ruined her day(this was at night after she got so many phone calls from friends and family, and birthday messages), that I was asking too much of her and I'm still her daughter. I didn't go off at her, but I felt extremely upset. She's done so much for one of my brothers, things she honestly shouldn't have(that's a whole other story I won't get into), but me asking about my pronouns was too much. :/
The day I can finally move out and live on my own, I'm going to keep my distance. She's an extremely toxic person to be around.
She's also having difficulty accepting that I'm trans. I was terrified of telling her because of how she'd react. She dreamt about having a daughter, the whole dresses, dressing up, white wedding, etc. We'd clash over that to the point where our relationship became strained. I'd go months where I wouldn't talk to her or answer her calls. When I did tell her, she seemed okay at first. But on her birthday, when I asked her to please use my preferred pronouns, that I didn't expect it to happen immediately and I know she'd make mistakes, she just started making it all about her and how I ruined her day(this was at night after she got so many phone calls from friends and family, and birthday messages), that I was asking too much of her and I'm still her daughter. I didn't go off at her, but I felt extremely upset. She's done so much for one of my brothers, things she honestly shouldn't have(that's a whole other story I won't get into), but me asking about my pronouns was too much. :/
The day I can finally move out and live on my own, I'm going to keep my distance. She's an extremely toxic person to be around.
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@devilkinboi: that's good you're able to work with your doctor with how to cope. preferential treatment is so frustrating and i'm sorry to hear it. and yeah, just because you understand behavior or can explain it does not mean it's ok!
that's super tough to have to deal with transphobia at home <3 you deserve to be respected and acknowledged for who you are. just a reminder that experiencing transphobia is not your fault <3 i hope you're able to find supportive and affirming communities outside of your family situation in the meantime until you can move out.
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@xvz: It's just so exhausting how demanding she is of me while my brothers can get away with doing the bare minimum.
Despite how she is, my dad, oldest brothers, offline friend group and my online friends are all supportive. Some weren't even surprised when I told them, saying they were waiting for me to figure it out on my own.
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@devilkinboi: aww that's sweet of them! i'm really glad you have a good support network :-)<3
i'm super grateful for mine and don't know if i could keep up my mental health without them <3
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@xvz: I'm really thankful that I have them.
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.