Update I got my shot today

Totalanimefan

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Hi all.
First it was a pain in the ass to get to where my vaccine appt was. I could take the bus most of the way but I had to walk the last half mile and there were no sidewalks! WTF. I was like, am I going to get run over before I get the shot, damn.

Then even though I took a Xanax an hour before my appt my PTSD was still out in full force and I wasn't able to get my vaccine. I just broke down bad and the drugs didn't nothing. I was able to get as far as I did because of the therapy that I had. I was able to wait in line without freaking out and I was able to watch people get theirs. But that was totally because of therapy like I said.
I feel like I failed, but that's not true. It was the furthest I've ever gotten and I was so close, and I wanted it but PTSD too strong. (and yes I have been to therapy for it and I was diagnosed by a professional). My husband was very supportive and understanding and he was here for me.

Then my husband and I (he got his) walked about a mile (once again no sidewalks for like half the trip) to go to a local bagel place we like (Score!) But when I placed my order online I forgot to hit add for the 2nd part of my order so while I did get an amazing breakfast sandwich, I didn't get my cinnamon bagel with Strawberry and Rhubarb cream cheese and we didn't notice until we got home. Also we got rained on. T-T

Next Day Update: I spoke with my Dr today and they are going to give me a different drug and I have a new appointment for Sunday. And this time the appointment location is a 5 min walk away! I'm happy about that. The only problem is I don't feel very confident. Yesterday I totally thought that I could do this, and today I'm feeling like what if I fail again? I guess it's not the end of the world though. I can try and again until I can do it.

Sunday 4/26 update: I few days later I was able to get the shot today!!!!!! I'm soo happy. When it happened I cried tears of joy!
It was hard for me, but I went in and I had a wonderful nurse that understood what I needed and won't trick me and said that it wasn't going in the arm until I gave the ok. I did all my techniques that I learned in therapy. It was still very hard for me but I got through it~~~!!

Totalanimefan

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So I'm going to try again in the future. I guess I need to speak with my therapist about what drugs I should use? The Xanax was given to be my my Dr but it did nothing. Like I'm not even tried right now and the other times I had it, I was sleepy and very chill. But then again PTSD and anxiety are different. Different parts of your brain light up for PTSD.

Priestess of Pie

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I'm sorry it's difficult for you. =( If something's triggering that adrenaline though, no meds are gonna chill you out.

That sounds like an ordeal though... Is there somewhere closer you can go to get the vaccine? I think minimizing stressors beforehand would probably help. Public transit is probably better there where you are but I always get stressed out on busses just because there's so many strangers in close proximity.

Mallow

Tumbleweed
My Sons

Totalanimefan

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@Priestess of Pie: Thanks <3 Actually the bus was great, only 1 other person on the bus. It was so empty, but yeah I might just have to uber there so I don't have to stress about walking up a hill with no sidewalks. And this place was the closest I could get to. T_T
If only their was a drug that could just like shut me down and then I could get it. I feel like if I have one good experience at least I could build off it instead of having the last time I had something like this done was the incident.

Totalanimefan

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@koneko: Thank you so much <3 I know I have come so far. I used to be soo many steps away. I used to just think that someone was going to hurt me no matter what, even people I trusted, when it came to this. Now I no longer think my husband or someone close to me is going to trick me or force me into getting it (not that he ever would have, but you know these thoughts are not rational).
Maybe I should try and sign up for it at CVS or something? I don't know if that would be any different but just seeing the open space and everyone getting their stuff done at once I think reminded me of the time it happened, since it was at a blood drive in my school so it was the same kind of open space with lots of people getting the same thing done and I was like a cog in a machine. The Dr that was giving the vaccine was very nice. He said that he would wait until I was ok and tried to get me to talk about something I liked but my brain couldn't even think if anything that I liked. I was only drawing a blank. I had to ask my husband.

I hope that you will be ok. And I'm very happy that you understand. My mom doesn't get it at all and it makes me upset and angry. I try to explain it to her but she just think I'm 'afraid' but I wish it was only that.

sunny

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@Totalanimefan: oh no :( at least you tried, that is something to be proud of! You got further than you thought, so next time you will get even further. Don't feel too bad about it.

sunny

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Just realised that sounds super dismissive :O I meant that you should be proud of yourself for even going, since that is a really big step! I'm sorry you couldn't get the vaccine this time :(

currently: new novel who dis?

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Totalanimefan

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@sunny: Thank you <3 It's true that every time I get better at it and I'm able to get further. Which makes me happy. I just want to be able to go all the way. I've never been able to watch someone get the shot like that without freaking out and I watched some people I didn't know and my husband get it first.
I don't think that you sounded that way at all. Dismissive would be like saying oh getting a shot isn't a big deal, or if I got the shot that would be like saying, see you were worrying over nothing. You were only encouraging.

@koneko: Yeah exactly and I was like here is what your brain looks like on PTSD, here is what PTSD looks like. There is not rational part to it. My brain thinks that I'm in trouble and that I can't do it because bad things will happen just like last time. It's not that I'm afaird of the pain or something (which is what my mom thinks or something?) and I'm like, I have a high pain tolerance. As I kid I never once thought they were painful. (Before the PTSD happened). I kinda don't get how she doesn't get it but whatever I guess. I don't have to get her permission to feel the way I do.

@Ava: Thank you so much <3 I have worked so hard on this for so long, and I just thought with my training and a Xanax that I would totally be good to go and it honestly the meds did nothing for me and I'm like why? Even now, I don't feel like I'm relaxed and I'm able to feel like angry, and sad, and a whole bunch of negative emotions. lol The other two times I had this med I was so chill and I just felt like sleeping. Why couldn't that have happened today? lol

Oh before the therapy I wouldn't have even gotten the appt. Or if I did I would have been mad at whoever forced me. Then I wouldn't have slept the night before and I would've had nightmares about it. Then I would have been a wreck waiting in line and probably would've had to leave. So I'm soo much better. But I don't want to be 9/10 better. I want to be 10/10 better and be able to get it. I know I'm not but I just feel like such a weak failure right after it happens. Now I'm in a better space and don't think that way (except that I want to still get it). Thanks for the idea of a reward. I don't know what the reward should be. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't punish myself for not being able to go all the way.