It started as 4 am ravings of a sad woman

Shadami

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So this post could be incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid.

I debated putting it into serious talk, so that should give you an idea of what kind of thread this is going to be.

I'm putting warning labels or whatever on this first post to say something may trigger something for someone because heck it probably will.

I am however trying to keep it abiding in all the forum rules so what I say is also probably going to be quite sugar coated....

Not to mention I'm always terrified to share my emotions with anyone.
Let alone random people on the internet that can see this forever once I post it.

Because as everyone knows. Once it's on the internet it is forever.

I will obviously leave names out for privacy blah blah ect.
But I'm poor.
I have so so insurance that really isn't taken by anyone. It's hard to find a good doctor that takes my insurance.
One more problem with being poor.
If you want real help...
You need money.

But I need help. And I need it now.

I don't have anyone to talk to.
I can't find the will power to do much of anything anymore.
I cry pretty much every day and it takes all my will power just to get out of bed every morning and to force myself to sleep every night.

I think I'm depressed.

I almost don't want anyone to read this because it hurts to share my emotions. I've been hurt so much through my life.

I just celebrated my 28th birthday and got hugs from my parents. My brother. My children.
Happy birthday wishes from my mother in law via a Facebook post on her wall and a call from my brother and sister. None from my third brother of course because his wife shares my birthday. And some complete strangers on the Sims forums.
And one text message from a friend I've had since kindergarten.

No cake. No presents. Nothing special.

I'm not a self centered person. In fact I try really really hard to put others first and make people happy. I never want to bring others down. But my birthday is special to me. It's the one day of the year that I really want people to notice me. To say hey. You know what? I know as much about you as you do about others. Here is something special to make you happy. Thank you for being you.

It's a day I want to be noticed for all my hard work. To be appreciated.

I know that I'm just a shadow in the background that is never noticed.

When I am noticed it's usually to be ridiculed and made fun of for one thing or another.
I'm always screwing up.
I'm not perfect.

This post is getting really long. What I wanted to say is that I'm going to use this as a journal kind of. I'm fine with people stepping in and talking to me. I don't need advice really. But maybe someone to listen. To notice. To say hey, everything is going to be alright. You can get through this.
Have someone notice me when it feels like I'm drowning.

I know I am noticed. There are so many lovely people on here that I've made friends with and always enjoy having conversations with.

But I also feel like I'm insignificant and don't matter. I need a safe space that I can just talk and pull myself out of this depression. I don't want to let it win.

Shadami

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My mind wanders constantly. And I've been beating myself up more and more. Not physically. Emotionally.

Though really it feels physical as well in a sense.

Some days I have no appetite. And others I feel I have to much of one.

Right now I'm pregnant so that doesn't help in the slightest.
They also say that I have gained to much weight this pregnancy.
I'm at the largest weight I have ever been in my entire life. I'm labeled as an obese pregnancy.

.... That really hurts. I think I look good. Or at least. I thought I did.
But I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is flappity flab on my arms. Luuuurve handles on my hips. That delightfully over dimpled thighs and butt.

A beach ball stomach... Okay that's partially the baby.

Clothes covers it up. Some clothes make me feel amazing. I love how I look in jeans. And sweaters for some reason just look adorable on me. But the bigger I get ... The less clothes that I like. That are me. That are my style... Well the less of them exist.

It becomes baggy clothes like I should be ashamed of how I look. Overly floral patterns in bright colors that are trying to make people look away from you or distract from the person in the clothes.
Non flattering things.

And thigh high boots? Forget that. Woman aren't supposed to have muscles in their calfs!
Which I do. I'm actually really proud of the fact that my lower legs are pretty much solid muscle and very little fat. Granted they're swollen with pregnancy blah right now.... But still...
I can't wear boots that I love because they're not made in muscle size.

It makes me hate my muscles. The one part of me that I can keep muscled and strong.
I shouldn't hate my muscles.
But I really want to dress like myself. Why is that so hard?

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

I'm distracting myself by writing these thoughts. I can't say them out loud. It's to difficult for me. But writing is a way I can say what's going on in my head. I just let it flow out as fast as I can type because it's easier for me.

I have a mouth issue. Which sounds weird...

I call it dyslexia of the mouth. I have to slow down my speech and really force myself to pronounce things correctly or people can't understand what I am saying.
Or I get spoonerisms.
Which if someone is reading this and doesn't know, is a really cool word that basically means I switch letters around in my speech.

For example I was excited playing world of Warcraft and tried to say grappling rope, but I said rappaling grope. Which in my head was correct, but my mouth couldn't say it right. And I also couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong but I knew it was wrong.
But my brain was also fast enough to know my mouth had been slower and messed it up so I got frustrated and embarrassed...
Especially when the people I was talking to started laughing.

I don't hold it against them of course because it's funny now, it was just in the moment that it was frustrating. I want my mouth to work properly.

Same game, same people by the way, I said spood beast.... Instead of speed boost. Now the three of us slip into saying spood beast in casual conversation because it's just become another phrase for us. And sometimes we have to second guess are selves like.. wait... Which one is correct again?

So yeah... The laughter is there about my dyslexia of the mouth. But the embarrassment I feel when it first happens and people feel the need to point it out and laugh... Well it hurts depending on who it is.
Or how they laugh.

And it doesn't make talking out loud easy. When someone gets hung up on how I say things, instead of what I'm saying. And they ignore the feelings behind it. That's really hard to deal with.

And it's not just messed up words with transposed letters. But using the wrong words...
And just as an example I'm going to use the grappling rope again. Because when I transposed the letters in sounded fine to me because of rappelling being a real word that is close to what I wanted, but incorrect.

Does that make sense? I get words that are close, but not quite right.

And sometimes I can't speak until I have the specific word I want.ni get hung up on it.

And I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

I think it's obvious why I decided to make this in the undercurrent at this point. The ramblings in my head are all flooding out instead of being bottled in causing me anxiety.

And it does help.

I've tried journaling once. But it didn't make a difference. The only one who could see it was me. But this is a different kind of journal. More like a blog in a way. People probably won't see it. But they COULD. And that's a big difference.

Someone could read something here and go ... Hey... I relate to that. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Or hey! I know what's wrong with you! Maybe they have similar experiences. Or they just want to speak up and say something supportive.

I don't know. I don't even know if I want advice or need it. I do know that I was crying from 1 am until 4 am when I started this thread. And now that it's five am I'm starting to feel calmer... Hungry... And tired.

I'm gonna set an alarm for seven am so that I can get a bit of a power nap. But be up at a reasonable time for normal human beings.
Try to get my internal clock back in schedule instead of having my depression grip me and keep me in bed until noon.. which has been twelve hours sleeping most nights :/which terrified me when I'm used to getting 4-6 and being full of energy all day.

Part of me hopes that this is just post partem depression setting in.
Part of me wonders if I've had depression all my life, or if it really has been because of the things that have happened to me in my life

These posts will not read as a fully connected story. It's going to be disjointed like my thoughts. They'll jump around to whatever is bugging me and I feel I need to say to get it off my chest.

I am going to leave certain topics off the journal thing though. But emotional ones. I think I need to get those out in some way so that I can start coping and stop being bottled up.

I need someone . Even if it is a computer screen.
Thanks for reading all of this if you have. That alone means a lot to me.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

I talked about this a bit in another post but wanted to actually write over here in my journal? Rant? Get things off my chest thread.
Whatever you want to call this.

It has to do with my issue with learning languages.or languages in general I guess . I don't actually seem to have a problem learning them. Getting my mouth to do what I want it to is another issue, even with my English first language.

Take french for example. The language I am currently practicing on duo lingo. I took four or five years of it. I can't even remember which anymore .
The results of that study? I can read parts of it.... I can speak it partially.... I can't pick up the words that are said to me. And I struggle to recall the correct things to say.
As my French teacher said back then, I franglais things. (Combine french and English) in order to get my points across.
Because just like english. I forget certain words needed to say what I want to say.
Even of I do actually know the word, I just can't recall it.

But I wanted to practice a bit on here. For fun. As notes? As practice. Something. Whatever.
I want to practice and practice and retain. And maybe one day even be able to pick it up like I pick up English when people speak. Or at least enough to talk to my French speaking friends.
... Who usually resort to English when talking to me.
XD

So per the rules of voltras, I will be translating. And also it's going to be what .. kindergarten level french? XD
Without further ado...
Bonjour, je suis Shadami. (Hello, I am Shadami.)
I have learned how to say "un homme et une femme" which means a man and a woman. As well as their younger counterparts "un garçon et une fille" a boy and a girl.

I guess I could have put those in spoilers but eh. This works for me I think...
The animals the app has taught me..
Un chien, un chat, et un cheval. A dog, a cat, and a horse.
I find it interesting that the food I've been taught so far look exactly the same in French and English, just have slightly different pronounciations: pizza, orange, and croissant... I have an issue with un and une for these. ^^;;

Shadami

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In other words... I'm learning the basic Grammer of French still I guess. So yeah. Kindergarten levels. . . I do have higher than that because of my previous experience with it. but it's strange how I've forgotten some of the basics.
I remembered that there is formal and informal words, but I didn't remember the differences.
Like salut being hi and bye informally. I straight up forgot about the word completely, but seeing it again it all came flooding back.

I also remembered that bonjour doesn't technically mean hello... But I remembered it as good day, though the app is saying good morning...
And then I remembered the counter part Bonne nuit... That i have been pronouncing wrong for years. But it means good night.

I remember these things. If only in vague memories.
I completely did not remember good evening. Bonsoir

Actually... How that I'm looking at my notes I'm kind of curious. Why is have a good evening/ have a good day- Bonne Soirée and Bonne journée and their just greetings are singular words bonsoir and bonjour... But good night is Bonne nuit? Is there no "have a good night?"

And if anyone knows this. It has come up in the lessons but I keep getting it wrong. What is the difference between mange and manges?
I'm think that it's "is eating" and "are eating" but I'm really unsure of myself.

I also probably shouldn't be practicing ask at the same time. But I've been brushing up on at least my baby signs so that I can talk to my baby like I did my first two.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

Random thought...
Should I teach my ADHD/SCD more sign language? Since she remembers and expresses in pictures and is dyslexic.... Will asl help her?

Shadami

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I have a to do list app... And I really need to update it. And get back on top of doing my chores.nim slacking so bad because of being pregnant and tired and depressed

I'm also extremely hungry. But I can't eat for another few hours because I just had chicken and rice.but it wasn't enough because I'm weak and behind in calories. Because I'm poor

And crying again

Cause food gives me a panic attack
As does the tingly sensations like bugs crawling on my insides and the light headedness and pressure on my skull. All when I'm ..low blood sugar? Maybe?

And need food. But I also don't want to eat because we don't have that much food and I want to make sure there is enough to feed my kids with what we've got.

And I'm so sensitive to so many foods and everything we have is preservative filled garbage that I can't eat. Ect.
And
And
And

I'm about to have another meltdown.

Shadami

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I have no idea if this gif works...

Shadami

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Okay . I need to breath.
I need to find calm.

Does anyone have a calming sounds music video. I could use that right now.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

I need art inspiration... I want to do those Instagram poll things, except I don't have enough followers. And I can't seem to get story stuff to look right yet anyways xD

So how am I going to do this.... I'm thinking charts and dice? Perhaps. But I need to come up with the questions to ask first, regardless.

1) male or female
2) elder, adult, young adult, teen, child, toddler
3) tall or short
4) skinny or curvy
5) weak or muscular
6) human or other?

That should get the basic body right? Without details

1) what kind of eyes?
2) what kind of eyebrows
3) what kind of facial hair if any
4)

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

Having another panic attack so I'm gonna rant here to get it out so that it doesn't turn into anything worse.

So warning note or whatever I guess.

I'm mad about things that I can't say out loud because I feel like it's breaking some code of complaint. When others can't do what they are responsible for and expect you to do it for them.

"You're a push over right? You do it because I don't want to"

No no NO NO. That's not how life works. And I'm not going to do what others are responsible when it's just going to make it so that I can't do any of my own responsibilities because other people just expect me to make their lives easier. What is wrong with the world and not having good work ethics. I have things I need to do to make my life healthy. And that feels like I have to start cutting people from my life that are toxic.

And that's a really hard thing to do.

Also I'm hungry. I really hate being poor and not having food
I'm so pregnant that because I can't keep up with dishes. The dishes I need to cook dinner aren't washed and so once I wash them I'm in so much pain that I can't cook. Then my sugar crashes and I can't do anything. And I'm gonna go into early labor if this keeps hapoening.
And I don't want to lose the baby.

But I'm also so fed up with things and so depressed that I don't want the baby either.
But I would never do anything to hurt any of my children. I just don't want to deal with any of them anymore either. And I feel like the worst mom in the world for thinking that.

And I'm stupidly watching criminal minds that are like "these serial killers when they were kids had these horrible lives where they were ignored and left to do anything they wanted" and then the stupid commercial I remember from my childhood "when you're depressed, you are harming others by not being there for them." It's like

... Are you telling me because I'm in pain I'm gonna turn my children into unstable psychopaths ?!?
How is any of this good for someone who is depressed. How can they think that will help. It only makes things worse because it's like saying there is nothing you can do. You've already screwed up and your life is over. You've ruined it for anyone around you that you love.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

link to a depression warning signs article

I'm posting this for reference for myself. And now I'm going to search for a "how to battle depression" and "how to get others to listen" ext. Blah blah blah.

I need the people around me that are causing my anxiety by not listening when I try to talk to them to step up and take responsibility for their own actions. I don't like being used and abused.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

here is webMDs suggestions

Not that relying on webMD is ever the right thing to do. But it's a stepping stone. I already know there is depression.
I already know that I can't afford professional help.
And I always want to fight it and strive to be better.
I have strong will power. I need to rely on that now to push my way through.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

My husband bought me something for mother's day with good intentions. It has a sweet thought behind it. He knew i've been struggling with writing lately. I haven't been able to get past my depression and writing blocks. He thought that having a book of writing prompts would help me.
Now of course there is the typical thing in the front of the book that says that it can't be reproduced. So I won't. But I will say that it's a journal. That it isn't exactly the kind of writing prompts that help me write stories.
It's prompts that help you write journals. To get your emotions on paper.
It's not something I'm good at.

But Writing in it might help me right now while I'm struggling.

Sometimes I wonder if my dream of traveling is really a good thing. I don't have the money. I can't speak other languages. I'm horrible at remembering history and cultures. I fail at trivia. Maybe i should stay hiding in my own little apartment.

Shadami

Friend PM Trade

Giving away items on an avatar site feels like that warning they always give you. "When people start giving away the items they love they're probably about to commit suicide. Say something to them. Be there for them."

Of course it usually online means they're just quitting the site. But my depressed state of mind is seeing it badly...

It's a bad day.

Currently recovering from large amounts of PTSD. I'll post when I can, please ping for replies. Things are very difficult for me right now.

Professor Shadami

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It's almost noon and I'm still not out of bed .. that's a bad sign right?

Professor Shadami

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This darn child eats for an hour and then ten minutes later.
Mom I'm hungry again.

Give my poor nipples a break!!!! I'm gonna stop breastfeeding omg.

Forums The Undercurrent It started as 4 am ravings of a sad woman

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Professor Shadami

Professor Shadami

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