Thank you for replying. Yeah. I even pointed out that they could be gaslighting me and they said they weren't. It's possible they've internalized unhealthy coping/defense mechanisms from their really abusive family. Which is another issue I have, they won't move away from their family and reinforce boundaries. They've been living with two roommates for over a year but their parents still harass them and verbally, emotionally and mentally abuse them. I've been trying for a really long time to get them to put space between them. They aren't financially dependent on their family btw so there is no reason why they can't cut them off for a month to just show them that they need to value having them in their life more. Y'know? After hearing everything their family has done, I can't stand to be around them and barely go over. I'm never invited over anyways. And then I get asked why I hate being there so much when *TRIGGER WARNING* I know that they have been physically abusive and have literally been held against their will in their home by their parents. Like why would I want to be there? Also their dad has been comfortable enough to have full blown, aggressive arguments while I'm over and I'm not about to be around when their dad or whoever finally snaps. The rest of their family is okay, but they're all pretty "traditional" and I remember their brother-in-law asking them "are you okay with that?" when I said I enjoy working with youth but don't want any children of my own. As if I wasn't sitting right there and have a say over what grows or doesn't grow inside of my own body lmao.

yeah, they're going to be 26 soon. and i'm also turning 26 this month. at my age i'm just really over this. if i had the money they had then i would be living on my own. a reason why i don't go over to the apartment anymore is also because the roommates are filthy, worse than them. and some of the friends they invite over are really problematic. one is really predatory and was creeping on me for a good two years. so i don't want to go over and be around people who make me feel unsafe. they (partner) had the chance to move out with me but didn't, they kept doubting i was serious about it because I've been flakey before. I have a bit of commitment issues and it is a big step so I hesitated. then when i got upset that they renewed their lease (one reason legit being bc they just didn't want to bother moving out of pure laziness) they blamed it on me going back and forth. but i only lacked confidence when they showed no confidence in my decision making. honestly i need to work on myself too, and i'm looking into therapy once the summer is over. i'm going to try out some therapists and maybe get on anti-depressants/meds for anxiety or whatever and start treating myself better. but they also need to take care of themself. i'm always irritated with them now and we argue so often.

i've spent A LOT of time reflecting on my behavior and health over the years, i've defs made progress but i need to take the next step which is seeing my doc and then finding a therapist that meets my needs. i need to move out too, so rn i'm saving a lot to get out by next year. my plan is either to live with one of my very good friends or on my own, i'm learning towards the latter bc i believe living on my own may be a good idea. and i would totally get a cat. if i'm smart i can afford it. esp if i keep working hard at work and getting recognized for my efforts. work-wise i'm in a VERY good spot, my home life has improved but i defs need to get away from my family and have my own space.

sorry my posts are massive, getting my thoughts out somewhere is really helping me clear my mind. i just texted them that i don't want to be with them. they're not a bad person tbh. they work with me btw, as my employee (but we dated before i worked here and they worked here and i wasn't the boss when we both both started here). my only fear is that they drop commitments to work but i doubt they will, they're not like that. they're very committed to working with youth and know how important it is to have consistency.

Yeah. They're saying that they don't understand where this came from. But I've been saying at least once a week that I don't want to be with them and pointing out that we argue all the time, the cycle we go through, etc haha. This is so exhausting. And it feels like this conversation is going in circles.

I ended it, we spoke for 90 min while driving around. Felt like it didn't really go anywhere. I'm going from angry to sad to just disappointed bc of this. My goal is to save and move out by next year, then get a cat or dog once I've settled in. I plan to find a place that I see myself living long-term. And I'm going to just keep working hard at work and focus on myself. I'm going to wait to start therapy until I move out because I've realized that my current home is toxic and whatever I accomplish will be undone and also I have to hide therapy, doc appointments, etc from my family which will be stressful as they don't respect my privacy and ask intrusive questions. so I'll just make do until then.

Spent more time talking today. Stayed firm about not being with them. Brought up what they need to do to better themselves and to make it actually possible for our relationship to ever be what it was and they were actually really responsive and acknowledged what I said. But this could just be the usual cycle so I'm not getting back with them.

Slept most of today, but managed to eat and shower and read. I'm okay. I think.