Just wanted to say make sure you see the edits below as well.
—It’s a long story and I do want to keep things a bit anonymous, but my husband and I are going through a rough patch to say the least.
He’s always been a workaholic. I most of the time work full time but sometimes I work part time. The last 6 months or so my husband worked a ton of hours. I was depressed because I was often having dinner alone and I have no children or family close by. I missed seeing my husband and when I did see him he was so stressed.
Now that project is done so he’s back to something more like 45 hours a week. Which is do-able. The only problem is that he resents me for not doing my part around the house. He says that he can’t be with someone that isn’t a workaholic and he said he wants to leave his impact on this earth through his work.
He said that he thinks a lot about us living apart and that he would be better off being a bachelor again. I still love him with all of my heart. Even though he has been extremely cold to be for the past month (no saying I love you, getting mad at me easily, doesn’t kiss me or hold my hand).
I decided to be more empathetic. I have been going all of the cooking and house work without being asked for the last two weeks. Yesterday didn’t seem angry at all. I want to prove to him that I can be a good wife and take care of us. I was just in a depressed rut before.
I want to go to counseling but he isn’t sure if it will work.
I don’t know if I want advice. I just want my loving husband back in my arms. I want to be able to cry and him tell me that it’s all going to be ok. I love him so much.
EDIT: I thought that we were doing better, but I caught him cheating on me with our good friend. She was there for me when I was upset, and she is the only person I talked to this about (besides my sister). Turns out she has been sleeping with my husband since March, and they have also confined in each other emotionally too. I’m so broken.
7/7 UPDATE: long story short. And you can read it on page 8 in this thread. He kicked that bitch out of his life and although what he did was totally wrong turns out she was also being manipulative. (Not his words, just that I could tell when I asked about their relationship). She was telling him that our relationship problems ,that weren’t even that bad were bad, were really bad and that her and him where a better couple anyway. No wonder when I made this thread about a month ago I was confused and didn’t understand what I was doing was so bad. Anyway, he wants to go to couples therapy with me and doesn’t want to be a coward and run away from this anymore! It will be a long journey but it’s on I want to take with my husband.
EDIT: 7/24 I have still been seeing my therapist. My husband signed us up for couples therapy and he is going to one on one for himself. He has insecurities I never knew about.
The other women that was my friend just pretended to be so that she could get close to him. She didn’t actually care for me and she was manipulative to both me and my husband. I could write you an essay on what she said to me. But just know that she is a horrible person and saw how good my husband was to me and wanted a piece of that. Of course he is still to blame for what happen with her, but I can better see now how it all happened. Needless to say we both have blocked her from our lives after she sent me the nastiest text on my bday.
My husband has been nothing but supportive. He’s back to his old self. He is working hard on his problems. He is able to talk to me about things he was too afraid to talk about before! He realizes that he has his own issues too and wants to work on them.
Forums Serious Talk I’m so broken-We are working through our problems
So.... I've been avoiding posting here because relationships are tricky and personal and you already said you don't want advice. Rather than advice, I guess I'll just be giving my thoughts and opinions on various subjects so feel free to ignore me if nothing applies to your situation.
My first thought is that you can't leave any meaningful impact on the world through hard work alone. What you leave behind is the relationships you've fostered and the hearts you've nurtured. Thats not to say that hard work isn't worth its merit, but alone it can lead to a pretty meaningless existence. You also need to make room for fun and relaxation or the hard work is for nothing.
My second thought is, housework should absolutely be shared if both spouses have jobs. I don't know what the chore/work-dispersal system is like in your household, but it is my opinion that a home isn't a home unless every member contributes in some way. In my own life, my husband and I trade off on chores, but we're both slackers so we never really get mad if something goes un-done for a while, and while I was unemployed I took it upon myself to do more of the housework... both to keep from being distracted by depressing thoughts and to relieve my husband from the stress of coming home to a crappy house after picking up extra hours. We definitely need to make lists to keep track of things, and teaming up on chores makes it both easy and fun for us.
My third thought is probably the reason I didn't post because... I just think its rude and manipulative for him to talk about being a bachelor again. This situation could have been resolved without threats... but at the same time its good that he's expressing these feelings to you rather than not so I'll shut up now.
You know what is best for you and I'll send you good vibes in the mean time.
My first thought is that you can't leave any meaningful impact on the world through hard work alone. What you leave behind is the relationships you've fostered and the hearts you've nurtured. Thats not to say that hard work isn't worth its merit, but alone it can lead to a pretty meaningless existence. You also need to make room for fun and relaxation or the hard work is for nothing.
My second thought is, housework should absolutely be shared if both spouses have jobs. I don't know what the chore/work-dispersal system is like in your household, but it is my opinion that a home isn't a home unless every member contributes in some way. In my own life, my husband and I trade off on chores, but we're both slackers so we never really get mad if something goes un-done for a while, and while I was unemployed I took it upon myself to do more of the housework... both to keep from being distracted by depressing thoughts and to relieve my husband from the stress of coming home to a crappy house after picking up extra hours. We definitely need to make lists to keep track of things, and teaming up on chores makes it both easy and fun for us.
My third thought is probably the reason I didn't post because... I just think its rude and manipulative for him to talk about being a bachelor again. This situation could have been resolved without threats... but at the same time its good that he's expressing these feelings to you rather than not so I'll shut up now.
You know what is best for you and I'll send you good vibes in the mean time.
@Glume: I’m glad that you decided to post here. I think that your post was very well thought out and fair. I’m going to reply to some of your points.
I totally agree with you with the job thing. When he was in the middle of the 6 month working 60+ hours project, I said to him that I love that you love your job and you feel like you are working towards something but there is more to life than just work. And he disagreed with me.
Only from March of this year onward did I have a job that was very few hours. Before that my job was full time and he didn’t seem to mind if the house wasn’t perfect but when I was only working 3 days a week he was mad that I wasn’t picking up more chores. But by March I was so upset that I felt like I never saw him and I felt like he was picking his job over me. (Turns out he does like his job better than me, but that’s a different point). He liked everything to be very clean all the time. Laundry done every other day, dishes never in the sink or left out, kitty little cleaned like 3 times a week. There were some cleaning things that I always did without being asked, like the kitty litter, cleaning the toilet and vacuuming. Those I all did weekly.
I didn’t really see the being a bachelor again thing as a threat. It was more like he was just saying what he has been thinking. I asked him why he let it get like this. I still love him very much and didn’t know there was a problem until he stopped wanting to hold my hand or he stopped saying I love you. And he said that these thing that I wasn’t doing are all things that I should know without being told. And I said that people need to communicate. I can’t read minds.
I totally agree with you with the job thing. When he was in the middle of the 6 month working 60+ hours project, I said to him that I love that you love your job and you feel like you are working towards something but there is more to life than just work. And he disagreed with me.
Only from March of this year onward did I have a job that was very few hours. Before that my job was full time and he didn’t seem to mind if the house wasn’t perfect but when I was only working 3 days a week he was mad that I wasn’t picking up more chores. But by March I was so upset that I felt like I never saw him and I felt like he was picking his job over me. (Turns out he does like his job better than me, but that’s a different point). He liked everything to be very clean all the time. Laundry done every other day, dishes never in the sink or left out, kitty little cleaned like 3 times a week. There were some cleaning things that I always did without being asked, like the kitty litter, cleaning the toilet and vacuuming. Those I all did weekly.
I didn’t really see the being a bachelor again thing as a threat. It was more like he was just saying what he has been thinking. I asked him why he let it get like this. I still love him very much and didn’t know there was a problem until he stopped wanting to hold my hand or he stopped saying I love you. And he said that these thing that I wasn’t doing are all things that I should know without being told. And I said that people need to communicate. I can’t read minds.
You can die anytime...Hmmmm....this is a really distressing situation. I haven't had very many relationships myself so my two cents won't really mean much. This is just me on the outside looking in based on what you said in your post.
I wish he was a bit more understanding to how you feel. He should know that marriage takes work on BOTH sides and that your feelings have just as much worth as his. It should be 50/50, with both parties making an effort. He might be when it comes to working outside the home, but...
I understand you love him very much, but to me (and please don't be mad at me >.<) he doesn't seem to have much love for you if he prefers his job over spending time with you.
I do understand work is important, but there are things at times that mean much more than that. I understand there is a time and place for things, but people who care for you should matter more than some job you probably won't be remembered much for. Your work can only do so much to show how you were when you are gone.
I do hope things get better for you two and I hope he's not really as cold as I imagine him to be. Please don't take anything I say in an offense, as it wasn't meant to be that way. I just hope all gets better for you soon.
I wish he was a bit more understanding to how you feel. He should know that marriage takes work on BOTH sides and that your feelings have just as much worth as his. It should be 50/50, with both parties making an effort. He might be when it comes to working outside the home, but...
I understand you love him very much, but to me (and please don't be mad at me >.<) he doesn't seem to have much love for you if he prefers his job over spending time with you.
I do understand work is important, but there are things at times that mean much more than that. I understand there is a time and place for things, but people who care for you should matter more than some job you probably won't be remembered much for. Your work can only do so much to show how you were when you are gone.
I do hope things get better for you two and I hope he's not really as cold as I imagine him to be. Please don't take anything I say in an offense, as it wasn't meant to be that way. I just hope all gets better for you soon.
but living takes true courage.
@KimmiChan1989: thank you for replying to this post. I’m not upset at all by your words. What you say is correct. It takes both sides for things to work. And he isn’t in love with me anymore. He’s too angry for that and loves his job very much. You are correct about that. He’s normally an amazing husband that would do anything for anyone but right now he is just full of anger. I do wish that I could have the old him. The him that would hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. It’s funny during this time is when I feel like I need a hug and someone to tell me it’s going to be alright, he can’t do that for me.
You can die anytime...@Taffy: *Big hug* It's going to be alright. Maybe it will take a while, but in the end, everything will be okay. That's one thing I do know. ^^
but living takes true courage.
@KimmiChan1989: thank you very much. ThT has pretty much been my mindset before last night. He is really fighting back going to a therapist the more that I talk about it.
You can die anytime...@Taffy: No problem ^^ I hope it gets better for you, my dear. Sometimes things happen for the reason and you can become a better person after it.
but living takes true courage.
Pixel Art by the talented Neko~ Thank you so much, Neko! <3
Both a just adorable~ :vanora_heart: :vanora_heart: :vanora_heart:
@KimmiChan1989: it’s all a learning experience. I sometimes feel like my husband isn’t letting me make a mistake. I did make mistakes these past 6 months, but I’m learning from them and bettering myself because of them.
@Taffy: Ive been going through a similar issue. I just graduated highschool, me and my boyfriend have lived together for a year, I didnt have a job. He kept pushing me to get one but it wasnt really do-able due to many circumstances, including severe depression. I used to keep the house clean but lately all I do is game and sleep, and he's always angry with me. He's also a workaholic. He had become cold and mean, and didnt really do the sweet things he used to. He started going to counseling with me (I have been for depression), and things got better. Sometimes it takes an unbiased person to open their eyes to the assholes they've become haha. I know how it is trying to keep a home together with depression, its like a huge weight. I hope things get better for you. 
Please ping me!
@Milkii: thank you for your response. My husband doesn’t want to go to therapy. He thinks that nothing will change but I want us to go. I’m happy to hear your story because it give me hope.
Flaria says hello everyone! Have a fabulous day!
@Taffy: Let me know if there's any updates on your current relationship with you and your husband. To me, he is struggling inside with his job and yes to keep the reminder to him that once you go and you will never know that it will help both of you to overcome the largest obstacles. Have faith, that your marriage will work out. Marriage is basically about two people creating new world together and family around you AND friends. x)
@Fuuchan: Thank you very much. I still love him very much. I decided that I'm going to work on us being good friends again. We used to do everything together and love it. We haven't played any video games together in a while, so we have been doing that, and last night he asked me what I wanted for my Bday which is in July. There is still no hugging, or contact. That part is hard for me. I was so ready to have, you know, this weekend, but I don't even ask because I know that he doesn't. He won't even kiss me.
@Flaria: Hey. I would read the post above. The other update is that he still doesn't seem to want to go to counseling. On the plus side he isn't short with me anyone, he isn't angry all the time when he speaks with me. I've also been very good about doing the housework since I haven't been working much. (I did just have an awesome interview though). He even has said more than once how good the bathroom looks, or how good the living room looks. Yesterday I did bunch of housework, but he was stressed from work and he asked me why I didn't do a load of clothing laundry, and I said that I did two loads today, I just did the towels and sheets first because I thought that they needed it more, and that today I would do the clothing.
Thank you for your kind words. I think that for a long time all he has been thinking about is work, how stressful it is, and how I wasn't doing enough at home. I think that it's going to be hard for him to break that mindset, but I'm doing all that I can. I'm actually feeling a lot less stressed about all this which is good because it means that I can sleep at night. We aren't out of the rough part yet, but I know that this isn't going to be fixed overnight either. I've been reading a lot of articles on how to deal with this, and those really help me calm down. He asked if our trip that we are going on in Aug could be longer, because he wants to see more of the city, and I said that sounds awesome. He hasn't gotten a chance to ask his job yet.
My mom found out because of my sister, which is fine, but she keeps telling me I should ask for things, like hugs or a kiss, and that I haven't done anything wrong and this is all his fault. I get that she is my mom, so she is going to be biased, but it kinda stresses me out. I don't want to give away too many details on the internet as well, but she and my dad got divorced years ago, and it was really messy, so I think that she thinks the same thing is happening to me. She told me that she would give me pointers on how to see if he's cheating on me, and I said that he's not. He's not that kind of person, but she still thinks that he might be because he won't hug me or kiss me.
I think that is all of the updates. It's a slow process, but I am willing to stick it out.
Thank you for your kind words. I think that for a long time all he has been thinking about is work, how stressful it is, and how I wasn't doing enough at home. I think that it's going to be hard for him to break that mindset, but I'm doing all that I can. I'm actually feeling a lot less stressed about all this which is good because it means that I can sleep at night. We aren't out of the rough part yet, but I know that this isn't going to be fixed overnight either. I've been reading a lot of articles on how to deal with this, and those really help me calm down. He asked if our trip that we are going on in Aug could be longer, because he wants to see more of the city, and I said that sounds awesome. He hasn't gotten a chance to ask his job yet.
My mom found out because of my sister, which is fine, but she keeps telling me I should ask for things, like hugs or a kiss, and that I haven't done anything wrong and this is all his fault. I get that she is my mom, so she is going to be biased, but it kinda stresses me out. I don't want to give away too many details on the internet as well, but she and my dad got divorced years ago, and it was really messy, so I think that she thinks the same thing is happening to me. She told me that she would give me pointers on how to see if he's cheating on me, and I said that he's not. He's not that kind of person, but she still thinks that he might be because he won't hug me or kiss me.
I think that is all of the updates. It's a slow process, but I am willing to stick it out.
Flaria says hello everyone! Have a fabulous day!
@Taffy: That's still a good news that things are improving a little by little.
@Flaria: thank you. Tonight for the first time ever I’ve actually been kinda frustrated about it all. I’m kinda tired of giving and giving for him to just be a brick wall. I deal with anxiety like a lot of people do, and when I have it he isn’t understanding at all and I’ve been dealing with everything myself. I know that it’s slowly getting better and I’m happy about that. I’m just emotionally and mentally very tired. And I hope that I will feel better soon. My friend said that she could see that he wasn’t as angry as he was last time that the three of us hung out.
@Taffy: Sounds like good progress! I know from experience you can't change how a person behaves unless that person wants to. And yes sometimes you need a third objective view (usually a therapist) to make them want to. Lots of parents and wives have this issue and all we can do is give them love, communicate our feelings and work on making ourselves better people. Its difficult doing this alone though, so having good friends really helps. Most of these things you already know and are doing so don't worry.
Writing it all out helps alot too. My parents, who are still married, sometimes resort to writing letters to each other to get their feelings out in a cohesive and understandable way. Its a chance for you to explain your side of things without getting interrupted or side-tracked.
I wish you all the best and I respect the fact you are trying to make this work even if its really difficult.
Writing it all out helps alot too. My parents, who are still married, sometimes resort to writing letters to each other to get their feelings out in a cohesive and understandable way. Its a chance for you to explain your side of things without getting interrupted or side-tracked.
I wish you all the best and I respect the fact you are trying to make this work even if its really difficult.
@Saeyra: thank you for your reply. Last night I had a break down on my own in the living room after he had fallen asleep. I was feeling very worthless and defeated. I could see the progress but wonder if I would ever escape this period of my life. It’s morning and I’m awake and I feel much better. Sleep does so much for ones’s mental health.
I’m looking forward to the day that he says that he will go to therapy. I have been gladly doing all of the cooking and cleaning since I have only been going temp jobs on and off and have been going to interviews for temp jobs. He has softened up and he has said thank you more than once, but still conversations get cut short and he still doesn’t smile at me. Or hold my hand or let me touch him.
Though The other day he was kinda upset with me he thought I said the wrong thing to someone over the phone about a potential job, and instead of doubling down when I explained myself through text, he said I understand. Which is a big step I think in the right direction. I also know that at least he is looking at me now because me commented that I had something in my glasses and noticed when I didn’t take a name tag off. A few weeks before I couldn’t even get him to look at me.
I’m looking forward to the day that he says that he will go to therapy. I have been gladly doing all of the cooking and cleaning since I have only been going temp jobs on and off and have been going to interviews for temp jobs. He has softened up and he has said thank you more than once, but still conversations get cut short and he still doesn’t smile at me. Or hold my hand or let me touch him.
Though The other day he was kinda upset with me he thought I said the wrong thing to someone over the phone about a potential job, and instead of doubling down when I explained myself through text, he said I understand. Which is a big step I think in the right direction. I also know that at least he is looking at me now because me commented that I had something in my glasses and noticed when I didn’t take a name tag off. A few weeks before I couldn’t even get him to look at me.
@Taffy: You are doing very well, keep looking at the positives. You are a very strong person and you will pull through this. Take care of yourself and yes getting enough sleep and eating healthy really helps you feel better in every way
Always ping me please.
@Saeyra: thank you so much. You are so kind to me. Sometimes I think that I’m strong and sometimes I think that I am weak. I guess everyone’s mental health state is always changing. Today during dinner he told jokes and looked happy when I laughed at them. I worked today, but got home before him, so I scrubbed the bathtub clean and made him a bath. We used to take baths together all the time before we were married. He loves a good bath. He’s in there right now. He’s worked really hard this week, so I wanted to do this for him.
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