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So, this is partly a request for some input, and partly just me trying to get this down and make sense of my emotions.
A bit of backstory: my bf has a friend, we'll call him G, whom he's known since middle school. My bf and I have been together for over 4 years (almost 5), and up until recently, I met his friend G all of maybe twice. My bf was always begging G to hang out, go ride dirtbikes, etc etc but G was always too busy or would simply never come around. (He came to our place once, and we went to his place once).
Fast forward to a couple months ago. G's baby mama leaves him and takes their kid. He becomes depressed and lonely, and suddenly wants to hang out with my bf all the time. All the time. Often three or four days a week, back to back. Mind you this was someone my bf couldn't BEG to come out to hang out with him. (I guess part of the problem was that G's baby mama was very controlling and wouldn't let him hang out--red flag, sounds like a total b*tch and you'd think G would be better off but apparently not). It's like they can't get enough of each other. So they go and do their thing, whatever. At first I was like, "okay, I can deal". I'm glad my bf has friends he can go hang out with.
But it's getting to the point where I'm feeling left out / pushed back. Bf says he's going to G's mom's place, but they almost always end up going out to a bar, and often staying out late--my bf didn't get home until after 1 AM last week. G had the NERVE to take my bf to a cabaret a few weeks ago, and I was absolutely LIVID that he would do that. I mean how would my bf feel if I went to Chippendale's with my friend? I appreciated his honesty, and thanked him for telling me but also kind of wished that he hadn't.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home, alone, bored out of my mind, worried that my bf is surrounded by and flirting with a bunch of women, and who knows what else trouble he'd get into. "I promise I won't be gone all day, I promise." I know better than to believe that, but can't stop myself from staring at the clock hoping he'll come home soon, and my heart always sinks when the clock hits 10 or 11 PM and he's still not home.
So I told him that I was feeling left out; I told him straight up that I was getting jealous that he was kind of spending more time with his friend than me, going out and having all sorts of fun while I'm alone. He says, "what do we do on your days off?" So I answer: We go grocery shopping, after which we usually go get some lunch at our favourite Thai place, and then come home and sit at home for two days. He says "exactly!" as if that's the same as going out and partying and having a bunch of fun. News flash: grocery shopping is a weekly chore, not a date night. Lunch or not, it's just not the same. He says it's my fault that we never do anything together because "you don't ever want to do the stuff I do", and I'm like "why don't we do something everyone can enjoy?" I wish we shared more interests--he's outdoorsy and loves doing things like shooting guns and riding dirtbikes, and I'd love to do things with him that make him happy, that's just not my interest. I don't like guns, and I'd kill myself on a dirtbike. xD And I don't expect him to change his life or interests for me, but if we could just meet in the middle, idk...I feel like I'm always the one relenting, always the one giving in.
The icing on the cake was when, about a month ago, I went to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in years. My bf got angry that I didn't invite him (which I can understand, he DOES often invite me to go out shooting and stuff), but honestly I didn't think he'd want to go since it was just going to be my girl friend and I talking about girl things, and I was gone for all of 3-4 hours. It was just supposed to be the two of us catching up.
So I guess to "get back at me" he goes out with G, and is still gone when I get home. When he gets home, he starts throwing a fit about how I went out and didn't even invite him; goes on to say how he doesn't trust me, and that he FOLLOWED ME TO THE BAR WE WENT TO AND WAS SPYING ON US. I was speechless. (He later told me that was a lie, but still, wtf!?!?) To hear that he didn't trust me really, seriously fxcking hurt.
I got a skirt in the mail yesterday that has the Milky Way printed on it, and lights up. Bf says, "are you gonna wear that when you go clubbing?" and I said something along the lines of, "I never go clubbing, I never go anywhere". To which he responds, "You never want to go anywhere or do anything. All we do is sit at home [on your days off]." Um, excuse me, you never ASK me if I want to go anywhere, you never invite me out on dates unless I mention it first, and I never ask to go out to places because you supposedly HATE bars and being around a bunch of people...
...unless he's with his friend G, of course. He got kicked out of two sports bars in one night, came home late (that was the day he promised not to be gone all day and night), and when I expressed how I was upset, he went on to say "well, it was miserable, if that makes you feel any better. It really wasn't fun." Okay, it wasn't fun... but you would still rather do that, than come home and be with me. Okay... definitely doesn't make me feel better. But then he tries to say they never plan to go to bars, "it's only a spur of the moment thing", but they do it pretty much every time they hang out at G's mom's or dad's... so I know that's BS.
I want him to have friends, and I want to him to hang out and have fun with them; I don't want him to think he's "not allowed", but it's becoming such a drag that I'm just constantly being left out. I want to do those things with him. I want to share those memories. I don't expect to go to every function or outing or hangout session, either, but at least once in a while would be nice. It sucks when I'm sitting there listening to them talk about all the crazy stuff that happened, all the fun they had, and just being like "yeah sounds like it was fun, glad you guys enjoyed yourselves while I was sitting here with my thumb up my ass." It makes me feel like he's getting bored of me, or like I'm holding him back.
And I know part of it is my own problem. I have no friends out here (aside from work friends) and tend to blow off my old friends who live in town, so I depend on my bf for all my socialisation; therefore if he's not around, I have nobody but the dogs. I know I need to get out more and hang out with my friends and just try to keep myself occupied, but it's hard with ADHD brain. But at the same time it hurts me that he's so dismissive. He'll try and make it up to me by taking me out for dinner or something, but he never does it of his own volition--it's only after I say something that he makes the effort.
TL;DR I'm trying to deal with my emotions and need to spend more time with my friends. I know I'm being kind of petty and definitely jealous. Does anybody have any tips, mind tricks, techniques, etc for getting your brain to chill tf out?
P.S. if you made it through that whole wall of text you deserve a
!! ♥
A bit of backstory: my bf has a friend, we'll call him G, whom he's known since middle school. My bf and I have been together for over 4 years (almost 5), and up until recently, I met his friend G all of maybe twice. My bf was always begging G to hang out, go ride dirtbikes, etc etc but G was always too busy or would simply never come around. (He came to our place once, and we went to his place once).
Fast forward to a couple months ago. G's baby mama leaves him and takes their kid. He becomes depressed and lonely, and suddenly wants to hang out with my bf all the time. All the time. Often three or four days a week, back to back. Mind you this was someone my bf couldn't BEG to come out to hang out with him. (I guess part of the problem was that G's baby mama was very controlling and wouldn't let him hang out--red flag, sounds like a total b*tch and you'd think G would be better off but apparently not). It's like they can't get enough of each other. So they go and do their thing, whatever. At first I was like, "okay, I can deal". I'm glad my bf has friends he can go hang out with.
But it's getting to the point where I'm feeling left out / pushed back. Bf says he's going to G's mom's place, but they almost always end up going out to a bar, and often staying out late--my bf didn't get home until after 1 AM last week. G had the NERVE to take my bf to a cabaret a few weeks ago, and I was absolutely LIVID that he would do that. I mean how would my bf feel if I went to Chippendale's with my friend? I appreciated his honesty, and thanked him for telling me but also kind of wished that he hadn't.
Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home, alone, bored out of my mind, worried that my bf is surrounded by and flirting with a bunch of women, and who knows what else trouble he'd get into. "I promise I won't be gone all day, I promise." I know better than to believe that, but can't stop myself from staring at the clock hoping he'll come home soon, and my heart always sinks when the clock hits 10 or 11 PM and he's still not home.
So I told him that I was feeling left out; I told him straight up that I was getting jealous that he was kind of spending more time with his friend than me, going out and having all sorts of fun while I'm alone. He says, "what do we do on your days off?" So I answer: We go grocery shopping, after which we usually go get some lunch at our favourite Thai place, and then come home and sit at home for two days. He says "exactly!" as if that's the same as going out and partying and having a bunch of fun. News flash: grocery shopping is a weekly chore, not a date night. Lunch or not, it's just not the same. He says it's my fault that we never do anything together because "you don't ever want to do the stuff I do", and I'm like "why don't we do something everyone can enjoy?" I wish we shared more interests--he's outdoorsy and loves doing things like shooting guns and riding dirtbikes, and I'd love to do things with him that make him happy, that's just not my interest. I don't like guns, and I'd kill myself on a dirtbike. xD And I don't expect him to change his life or interests for me, but if we could just meet in the middle, idk...I feel like I'm always the one relenting, always the one giving in.
The icing on the cake was when, about a month ago, I went to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in years. My bf got angry that I didn't invite him (which I can understand, he DOES often invite me to go out shooting and stuff), but honestly I didn't think he'd want to go since it was just going to be my girl friend and I talking about girl things, and I was gone for all of 3-4 hours. It was just supposed to be the two of us catching up.
So I guess to "get back at me" he goes out with G, and is still gone when I get home. When he gets home, he starts throwing a fit about how I went out and didn't even invite him; goes on to say how he doesn't trust me, and that he FOLLOWED ME TO THE BAR WE WENT TO AND WAS SPYING ON US. I was speechless. (He later told me that was a lie, but still, wtf!?!?) To hear that he didn't trust me really, seriously fxcking hurt.
I got a skirt in the mail yesterday that has the Milky Way printed on it, and lights up. Bf says, "are you gonna wear that when you go clubbing?" and I said something along the lines of, "I never go clubbing, I never go anywhere". To which he responds, "You never want to go anywhere or do anything. All we do is sit at home [on your days off]." Um, excuse me, you never ASK me if I want to go anywhere, you never invite me out on dates unless I mention it first, and I never ask to go out to places because you supposedly HATE bars and being around a bunch of people...
...unless he's with his friend G, of course. He got kicked out of two sports bars in one night, came home late (that was the day he promised not to be gone all day and night), and when I expressed how I was upset, he went on to say "well, it was miserable, if that makes you feel any better. It really wasn't fun." Okay, it wasn't fun... but you would still rather do that, than come home and be with me. Okay... definitely doesn't make me feel better. But then he tries to say they never plan to go to bars, "it's only a spur of the moment thing", but they do it pretty much every time they hang out at G's mom's or dad's... so I know that's BS.
I want him to have friends, and I want to him to hang out and have fun with them; I don't want him to think he's "not allowed", but it's becoming such a drag that I'm just constantly being left out. I want to do those things with him. I want to share those memories. I don't expect to go to every function or outing or hangout session, either, but at least once in a while would be nice. It sucks when I'm sitting there listening to them talk about all the crazy stuff that happened, all the fun they had, and just being like "yeah sounds like it was fun, glad you guys enjoyed yourselves while I was sitting here with my thumb up my ass." It makes me feel like he's getting bored of me, or like I'm holding him back.
And I know part of it is my own problem. I have no friends out here (aside from work friends) and tend to blow off my old friends who live in town, so I depend on my bf for all my socialisation; therefore if he's not around, I have nobody but the dogs. I know I need to get out more and hang out with my friends and just try to keep myself occupied, but it's hard with ADHD brain. But at the same time it hurts me that he's so dismissive. He'll try and make it up to me by taking me out for dinner or something, but he never does it of his own volition--it's only after I say something that he makes the effort.
TL;DR I'm trying to deal with my emotions and need to spend more time with my friends. I know I'm being kind of petty and definitely jealous. Does anybody have any tips, mind tricks, techniques, etc for getting your brain to chill tf out?
P.S. if you made it through that whole wall of text you deserve a
!! ♥
