resolved - Voltra Online

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

*update
things have been resolved, I couldn't be more relieved.
It seemed like something happened twice but after enough communication, I understand that he didn't get better after the first episode and he was trying to bottle it and force himself to act normal. But now we've cleared some of his fears and acknowledged any that might remain or resurface in the future, when life gets complicated. I'm happy that I could see all that weight drop off of him and his confidence coming back. Holiday season and seasonal depression is just too much for him right now, so after christmas he'll probably feel more relaxed again. ;v;

the emotionally-written original post content:

Ive been with this partner for 4 months.
everything has been great, we both have been so openly happy and transparent.

The first problem we had was that I wasnt allowed to see him on christmas cause he had to go see his family. I cant go with because of reasons that we both agree on. So I asked if I could at least have him for eve for a few hours at my parents. His mom got upset about this cause of covid and all that extra people mingling, they just had recent scares with their family having surgeries and complications.

So when he went to tell me that won't work out, he suddenly got really closed off to me and really cold. never saw this side of him. He said he wasn't ready for commitment and said all this stuff, and it hurt so much I almost left but I stopped because this was so out of nowhere, I just couldn't understand.

I talked to him longer, begging for understanding, and suddenly he started crying and clung to me saying hes sorry. He has a habit of pushing people away because of his insecurities and he explained that it is from a traumatizing upbringing, and having to close off when others get emotional.
He claimed that nothing he said was right, except the part of him feeling insecure, but that he knows he's ready for commitment and that he doesn't want to lose me, promised not to do this again and thanked me for staying. He made me promise not to leave if his mind does slip again because he needs the help while he's working on his insecurities. It was really emotional and hard on us both and hes been trying to heal from it as I have.

It's been a couple of days and we've been getting back to normal. But this morning I started to cry a bit and I told him I was scared. I expressed that I just need reassurance while I heal, because I'm still scared of being gaslighted again. He knows that's happened to me before already.

He started to hesitate and then started trying to break up with me again. Saying hes not ready for commitment. This time he wasn't cold and closed off so it feels way more real, and it hurts so badly when we've been in such a healthy place all this time and then suddenly I can barely keep him.

I don't know what to do, I very much do not want to lose him. My whole life has crumbled this year and this is the last good thing I have. I can't handle this

Ariella74

Friend PM Trade

I get that but being there we get scared and we want to run. I have been there. Its not easy. Its scary and I want to run when I feel insecure. I want to say though that give him understanding and be there for him. Maybe if he really loves you that will win over his insecurities and just have patience with him.

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

I feel like its my fault for bringing it up again, especially when we both just woke up. He's at work right now and I'm just praying that his time alone for a few hours might help him come back to what he insisted was his truth-- that he felt happier and healthier with me here. When he begged me not to let him do this again.

I know 4 months isn't that long and these feel like they might just be growing pains of trying to figure out how our life goals will line up. He's scared because the future is blurry for him now, even though our goals have been parallel all this time. I'm scared that he's going to successfully push me away soon and I dont know how to cope

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

Ariella74:
I get that but being there we get scared and we want to run. I have been there. Its not easy. Its scary and I want to run when I feel insecure. I want to say though that give him understanding and be there for him. Maybe if he really loves you that will win over his insecurities and just have patience with him.

I kept telling him that its OK to be insecure and its OK to waver sometimes. I keep telling him that no matter what I'll never get in the way of his dreams for his career, and he tells me I haven't. He says I've done nothing wrong and that he is happy with me and loves me, but he's not ready for this. Idk how to sooth him this time. The other day it almost killed me.

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

I also feel very strange to put my foot down to someone and say I refuse to leave. I say it more gently than that, but still firm enough that he knows I wont allow a decision to be made right now. Its KILLING me so much inside to have this relationship be up in the air. I value it way too much, but I also mean to keep the promise he made me make when he was breaking down in my arms the other night.

I feel firm that this has been a great and healthy relationship, and that if I choose the right method to sooth him, perhaps I can convince this to work. He's under 25 so his mind is still growing and maturing. He's already far beyond his years in maturity, so I shouldn't be surprised that he still has these young insecurities. I just really hope it doesn't tear us apart and end things. Thats just.. way too sad

Totalanimefan

Friend PM Trade

@Jolly: That's really hard. I've been in your shoes and it's like a self full-filling prophecy. It sucks.
All I would say is that you can't control his actions just yours. But you also should be able to express yourself.

It's a tough one that leads to a lot of overthinking and stress. If he is so worried about commitment then that's something he needs to work on, not you. He's the one with the problem. I don't know how he can work on it or fix it. My sister dated someone on and off with commitment issues and he never worked on them and just blamed my sister for everything.

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

Yeah, well at least he isn't blaming me for anything. he's being more reasonable than that, but also there's other things just stirring it up and he has a habit of self destructing in the past.

I got him to come to after a while. It took a lot of hard effort and pain, but we spent the day taking it easy and talking about it just a little at a time. Until we could find some roots of the issue. Depression is a big one, but also in some events that make a lot of sense. Things his family said recently, things ive said in the past that were misunderstood.

Im so relieved when he had a big sigh and I felt a lot of weight fall off of him. This was so dang hard to deal with :vanora_cry:
We've been able to reevaluate things and communicate clearly again