What's your opinion of what a healthy relationship looks like in the beginning?

Lucifera

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So, I get curious because dting as an adult these days is honestly draining. As someone who hasn't seen what a healthy relationship looks like growing up, I thought I'd post in here. See what all you guys think on this topic.

Keep in mind, I kinda want to know what the start should look like before people get deep into things. Because my experiences have been... weird.

I figured starting out in dating, it's normal to no instantly jump into monogomy. You're kinda feeling people out, figuring out what you want. And if you're interested in pursuing things with one person, you kinda tell others you're going to start dating that one person. Get to know one another, and you decide where to go from there.

However, I've noticed a lot of my straight relationships (I'm pans.) start out with the guy expressing monogomy as important. And we both forego dating apps and dating right off. But then a month in, the guy gives just enough effort to show he's interested, but contact drops dramatically. They stop talking regularly, and even ghost in the middle of serious conversations, if you can get them into one at all.

so what is normal?

How does one properly date? And how do you know when it's time to keep things in a just-friends kind of zone?

Xanthan

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@Lucifera: For me, in the beginning, there shouldn't be a lot of like tell all talking. Keep some things to yourself. Keep things a mystery for a bit. But don't be aloof or cold. Make time for the person, but maintain respectful boundaries and time away. I think it is important to know what you will and will not accept. So maybe work your hard limits or deal breakers in a little at a time. There should be a lot of like 20 questions type things, and taking an interest in one another and one another's passions. That is what an ideal beginning looks like to me. Slow, steady, special, and surprising. The date should always leave you wanting more, hungry for more time, or for more talk, more answers to questions etc.

Lucifera

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@Xanthan: Sounds like what I wish I could experience...

I find that finding people I have things in common with and like, are the people who jump into things head first. Much like me. And for them it fades, but for me being a demi, I like someone then it's really rough for me to just stop. xD While it fades for them I get more curiosities and such. Idk what to do with that.

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Glume

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@Lucifera: I've been with my husband for eight years and we have had only one big fight, and hardly any little ones, so I think we're healthy, lol. We both came into the relationship with no expectations. We met online. Online dating was horrible for both of us, but we gave it a chance again anyway. We hung out a few times, and when he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend I said no at first... he says thats how he knew I was special. Most folks jump into relationships pretty hard... but I had experienced a lot of ghosting from people I thought would at least stick around and be friends, so I wanted to take things slower. Neither of us were seeing anyone else but we didn't put labels on it, and we took time to get to know each other. We spent a lot of time together but there was no pressure, it was just like hanging out with my best friend, but with occasional physical intimacy. So, from my one and only healthy relationship, Id say this is what is important: No expectations of being someones SO right away, slow down and get to know the person, communicate boundaries and expectations if and when you do decide to form a lasting relationship, and only be with someone you could otherwise call your best friend.

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Xanthan

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@Glume: I loved reading this. I agree that no expectations is very important. Too often expectations lead to disappointments. I go into things thinking, this is someone I am getting to know. They may be in my life for a reason or for a season or who knows, but let's find out. It is like uncovering a mystery for me. I am part of the scooby gang if you will.

vessel

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i've always ended up dating people i was already friends with tbh

i think knowing that you have similar world views and values is important. having similar goals and wishes, but also making sure the other person isn't just fucking around and repeating what u say to get closer
not oversharing every bit of trauma at the beginning is a good sign, and not using substances together or having the relationship be based around getting fucked up.

yeah idk i honestly dont know what a healthy relationship at the start is - just being people who are willing to work with eachother to grow is whats healthy i think

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Xanthan

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@vessel: that is good advice as well. Going with someone you are already friends with because let's be honest, everybody lies. Especially when they are wanting to present their best self. Sadly, what ends up happening is broken promises, miscommunication, and ulterior motives which may or may not make sense to you. You are so right that many people out there just like to toy with emotions.

as for what defines a healthy relationships. There should be equal give and take. you should be strong with and for one another. spend more time picking one another up vs tearing each other down. Respect is a minimum. Do not waste someone's time or let them waste yours. If they cannot show up on time, or communicate when they may be running late or needing to cancel.....nix em, imo. I think some of the healthiest relationships I have seen lately in my line of work have come from two imperfect people who see one another as they are, not what they could be or might be or are headed towards. They meet each other where they are at and they start there and they walk side by side and are willing to do the work essentially. They build not break.

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Forums Serious Talk What's your opinion of what a healthy relationship looks like in the beginning?

Lucifera

Xanthan

Lucifera

Glume

Xanthan

vessel

Xanthan

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