Owl's posts

i don’t know what I want from life

I’m after this job because it pays well and offers stability and benefits. But I don’t want it. I just know it will be a good job.

But I also don’t want to be roped down again... it’s just so draining to think about spending my life doing the same repetitive thing over and over and OVER again.

But change also scares me.

I feel like a huge disappointment and disgrace for not having a job, and having to move back in with my family for [reasons].
I just feel like a total failure and it’s been burrowing into me lately.

I need something to help. I’m so nervous about getting this job and hating it or just falling into that same cycle as before and winding up here AGAIN.

Ugh I don’t know what to do...life has been throwing constant stressors at me for years now and I’m not handling them well and feel like I’m going to completely break down over them...

The last time I did it was way too close for comfort and why I’m [here] now.
I need to talk to a therapist. I need to be on medication. And I need to just...figure myself out, I guess?

I’m afraid of so much in life because I don’t have goals, but the idea of having goals and tying myself to something is also terrifying
Maybe I need to just take a breath and do something that REALLY scares me and break from this anxious she’ll and see if it helps. Do something reckless and see if I can spark something in me, I don’t know.

I don’t know i don’t know I don’t know

All these changes happening and I get no say in them
But they wanna take away a wall in my room that I use as a part of my bed because “it’ll look nicer and you’d have more room and you can have your old bed back”
1. It won’t. I don’t know why you think removing a wall 3” thick will give me more room to fit a 60+” bed into a space probably 65” long??
2. I don’t want it removed because I like it
3. The door is installed backwards so there’s nothing to stop it also my light switch is on that wall and I don’t want to rewire everything
4. I LIKE IT THERE

i have spent more time with family recently. They cheer me up, even if it’s difficult times.
I should remember they’re around and spend more time with them. But it’s also kind of hard because I am always so shy.

a band I enjoy released a new album recently!! I finally got to listen to it and it’s very nice.

i am doing better in personal projects of mine. New hobbies are fun

the weather has been very nice recently. I need to pay no mind to others and go out in cooler clothing and enjoy the sun.

just general depression. I think?
It is hard to explain...I don’t really know what is wrong and it doesn’t feel like the other times. I guess it’s more of an emptiness rather than a pain. If that makes any sense.

I think a lot of it had to really do with that interview and those awful “where do you see yourself in x years” questions
They’ve been on my mind a lot. I don’t have goals, really. I never really have...is this perhaps why I don’t really find life to be enjoyable? Like...hm how to explain. I guess I don’t need to since this is for me but
Life just seems repetitive and boring and I’m not really about it lol. There’s nothing that really makes me like it? Maybe I need to find some goals or something to actually work toward. I dunno.

Just...stress... I’m getting so stressed over such unnecessary things. Or so it feels
I’m just irritated that I am scolded for things others are not, I guess.

I feel like a waste of space. Again.
And feel like people don’t like me and are just trying to be nice. Maybe it’s time to get back on meds for anxiety

I’m hoping to get this job so I can afford to do this. And see a counselor because...oof.

i don’t know why I’m so salty about this one but I am haha. I know I shouldn’t be because she is not worth being angry over after everything that happened but ugh. I just...
A part of me wants to ask why. But the other part knows to just drop it. Don’t think about it.
Still. It’s hard... being a part of my life for so long. Is it possible to be addicted to someone cuz fuck me, it’s sure how it feels sometimes.
Never should have caved initially. I would have been so much better off, huh.

boy I almost BROKE down today with my mom. I wanna tell someone how I’ve been feeling but I’m scared to. I don’t feel good in my body tho. It’s been that way a while but wow it’s amplified lately.

I want to be able to say it to someone and say it out loud but also...am I really? When I asked about it before I was told no. So I worry that I’m just putting words into my mouth.
Still, things shouldn’t feel...wrong? Bad? Is that the feeling. I’m not sure

Whatever it is, I don’t like it much. I wanna take small steps...things that I’m curious if it will help fix it or at least help? But don’t know how without making people question me