Jamesdean's posts
Posted in I lost the most important person in my life
Posted 4 years ago
@Totalanimefan:
Thank you for your words, and I don’t mean to air my dirty laundry like this, but the pain I’m in has scrambled my brain to the point where I don’t know what I’m doing. She doesn’t use this site anymore and I’m not here to stalk or anything like that, just needed a place where I can tell my story and talk to people who can understand where I’m coming from. I’m fighting every day to keep my head above water and reaching out to anyone that can hear me. She helped me quit cigarettes and I did everything I could to keep my drinking problem at bay when we were together, I never meant to hurt her the way I did and I can never forgive myself for losing her. I can go on all day about how hard my life has been but I ultimately deserve everything that’s happened and everything that will happen from this point on. I tell myself every day that I deserve happiness and to finally feel like myself again, sometimes I believe it but it’s so easy to listen to the negative voices in my head and stay in the hole I’ve dug for myself. All I care about is the people around me and I would already be gone if it wasn’t for how they’d feel if I did something like that. These posts aren’t meant to be me feeling sorry for myself or dragging anybody else to my level, I just needed a safe space to get my thoughts written out and for someone to read. I need serious help, and if it doesn’t work I need to keep at it until something works.
Thank you for your words, and I don’t mean to air my dirty laundry like this, but the pain I’m in has scrambled my brain to the point where I don’t know what I’m doing. She doesn’t use this site anymore and I’m not here to stalk or anything like that, just needed a place where I can tell my story and talk to people who can understand where I’m coming from. I’m fighting every day to keep my head above water and reaching out to anyone that can hear me. She helped me quit cigarettes and I did everything I could to keep my drinking problem at bay when we were together, I never meant to hurt her the way I did and I can never forgive myself for losing her. I can go on all day about how hard my life has been but I ultimately deserve everything that’s happened and everything that will happen from this point on. I tell myself every day that I deserve happiness and to finally feel like myself again, sometimes I believe it but it’s so easy to listen to the negative voices in my head and stay in the hole I’ve dug for myself. All I care about is the people around me and I would already be gone if it wasn’t for how they’d feel if I did something like that. These posts aren’t meant to be me feeling sorry for myself or dragging anybody else to my level, I just needed a safe space to get my thoughts written out and for someone to read. I need serious help, and if it doesn’t work I need to keep at it until something works.
Posted in I lost the most important person in my life
Posted 4 years ago
@Bioshock:
You’re right and I have edited her name out. I have been seeking help from outside resources which hasn’t helped thus far but I’m going to keep at it until I find what I need. I didn’t come here to track her down since she doesn’t use this site anymore, but I felt like this was a good platform to tell my story and talk to people. I’m not sure if the things I said break any site rules but I will edit whatever I need to. I’m not used to feeling this unhinged mentally and I’m so lost in my own mind that I keep making worse and worse decisions. The worst part is that I’ll never be able to tell her how sorry I am and that I don’t blame her for what happened, she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t expect to have something as amazing again. I thank you for your words and apologize for airing my dirty laundry on here, but I feel like I’m drowning and reaching out to anyone that will listen. I don’t expect to get any help or support but just knowing that people can hear me and care means the world to me right now.
You’re right and I have edited her name out. I have been seeking help from outside resources which hasn’t helped thus far but I’m going to keep at it until I find what I need. I didn’t come here to track her down since she doesn’t use this site anymore, but I felt like this was a good platform to tell my story and talk to people. I’m not sure if the things I said break any site rules but I will edit whatever I need to. I’m not used to feeling this unhinged mentally and I’m so lost in my own mind that I keep making worse and worse decisions. The worst part is that I’ll never be able to tell her how sorry I am and that I don’t blame her for what happened, she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t expect to have something as amazing again. I thank you for your words and apologize for airing my dirty laundry on here, but I feel like I’m drowning and reaching out to anyone that will listen. I don’t expect to get any help or support but just knowing that people can hear me and care means the world to me right now.
Posted in I lost the most important person in my life
Posted 4 years ago
Hi there,
I just recently got out of a 5 year relationship and I’ve been losing my mind. Her and I had an amazing relationship and planned our entire lives together (children’s names, wedding size, where we wanted to live and grow old together, etc.) and losing her drove me to the point where I tried ending my life several times but I was too much of a coward to go through with it. She left me because I’m a deadbeat trying to find work and been having a drinking problem for quite awhile now. I lost my mother when I was 9 and my father basically abandoned me to focus on work as a coping mechanism, so my grandfather basically became my second dad. He passed away in 2010 which broke my family completely and my father remarried shortly after to a woman that despises me and we moved to a completely new city which I still don’t feel comfortable in after almost 9 years. Then 2 years ago my uncle moved in for a few months while dealing with diabetes and a speed addiction, I found his dead body in my kitchen the day after yelling at him for his behaviour and I feel responsible for his death to this day. The only saving grace I had was my girlfriend Allison and losing her has sent my life into a spiral that I don’t know I’ll ever get out of. I’ve tried reaching out and been writing a letter asking for one last meeting so we can get everything off our chests with nothing left unsaid and get some closure but I’m scared to deliver it to her house. Her parents control her life to the point where she has no choice but to do what they say (she even broke up with me because her dad made her and we had to keep our relationship secret for almost a year until we felt comfortable telling them we were back together) and I feel that if her parents find out I’m reaching out they’ll punish her more and may even call the police on me. My mind is in a whirlwind and I have no idea what to do. I still love her with all of my heart and all I want is for her to be happy with or without me I’m her life in any aspect. She made me lose all of my closet friends because she wanted me to always be focused on her which I happily accepted because I loved her that much, but now I have no one and feel like I deserve whatever fate comes for me. I’m scared at how my thoughts are terrorizing me and even sleeping is painful since every night I have nightmares involving her, my life feels cursed where anyone that gets to close to me is affected or hurt and I’m so sick of feeling this way. I know I have good qualities as a man and I am proud of my empathy most of all, but I have never felt so lost in my entire life and don’t know where to go from here..
I just recently got out of a 5 year relationship and I’ve been losing my mind. Her and I had an amazing relationship and planned our entire lives together (children’s names, wedding size, where we wanted to live and grow old together, etc.) and losing her drove me to the point where I tried ending my life several times but I was too much of a coward to go through with it. She left me because I’m a deadbeat trying to find work and been having a drinking problem for quite awhile now. I lost my mother when I was 9 and my father basically abandoned me to focus on work as a coping mechanism, so my grandfather basically became my second dad. He passed away in 2010 which broke my family completely and my father remarried shortly after to a woman that despises me and we moved to a completely new city which I still don’t feel comfortable in after almost 9 years. Then 2 years ago my uncle moved in for a few months while dealing with diabetes and a speed addiction, I found his dead body in my kitchen the day after yelling at him for his behaviour and I feel responsible for his death to this day. The only saving grace I had was my girlfriend Allison and losing her has sent my life into a spiral that I don’t know I’ll ever get out of. I’ve tried reaching out and been writing a letter asking for one last meeting so we can get everything off our chests with nothing left unsaid and get some closure but I’m scared to deliver it to her house. Her parents control her life to the point where she has no choice but to do what they say (she even broke up with me because her dad made her and we had to keep our relationship secret for almost a year until we felt comfortable telling them we were back together) and I feel that if her parents find out I’m reaching out they’ll punish her more and may even call the police on me. My mind is in a whirlwind and I have no idea what to do. I still love her with all of my heart and all I want is for her to be happy with or without me I’m her life in any aspect. She made me lose all of my closet friends because she wanted me to always be focused on her which I happily accepted because I loved her that much, but now I have no one and feel like I deserve whatever fate comes for me. I’m scared at how my thoughts are terrorizing me and even sleeping is painful since every night I have nightmares involving her, my life feels cursed where anyone that gets to close to me is affected or hurt and I’m so sick of feeling this way. I know I have good qualities as a man and I am proud of my empathy most of all, but I have never felt so lost in my entire life and don’t know where to go from here..