Gayspacetrash's posts

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I'm still in contact with her. She and I have agreed to stay friends. We've really bonded over this, and I'm doing my best to keep her from going back, as well as battling it myself. I want her to be safe.

I had earlier in my time here posted a thread about my long distance boyfriend and some issues I was having with a possible poly relationship with him. What I didn't say was that he was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and most likely would have become physically abusive had he come here to live with me. I was already having issues with him a few days before I broke up with him, but what really made me realize he was abusive was when I spoke to his other girlfriend.

He was treating her the same, if not worse than he was treating me. They had been dating long distance for a little over a year, so I can only imagine how horrible he was to her. Once she and I started comparing notes, I realized that he was incredibly abusive and viscious. I told her that we both needed to leave him and block him from our lives, for our own safety.

And so we did.

But it was hard. I had a panic attack and he yelled at us on mic for three hours, blaming everything on us, and taking none of the blame himself. I was only with him for three weeks or so, but in that time he really got to me. I've been doubting myself more lately, I self harmed, I've been drinking a lot. And no, I realize that it's not all him. I am to blame, too.

The thing that makes me sadder than anything else is that when we met, he was a completely different person. He faked a personality to get me attached to him, and then when he felt that I was really into him and wouldn't leave him, he showed who he really was. I guess he didn't take into account that I grew up in an abusive household and refused to have that for myself.

He really tore me down and made me feel like nothing. He made me feel like my anxieties and insecurities aren't worth having, like my mental issues are bullshit and I'm an idiot for ever having any type of bad day. He made me feel like I wasted his time when I wanted to get on cam with him or text him every day, like I was a shitty girlfriend for wanting to cuddle and spend time with him... Like I was asking too much from him. He could be upset whenever he wanted, and I couldn't say or do anything but comfort him. But if I didn't give him the right response, he would get even more upset and tell me I was an asshole and wasn't supporting him properly. Then he would leave and ignore me for hours.

But I wasn't allowed to be upset. My life was fine, because he was in it. He made all my problems go away, so I wasn't allowed to be sad or angry or have anxiety. He got mad when I would get upset and tell him I needed to go and have time to myself-- but I only did that because when I had any kind of emotion other than happiness or some type of sexual thing, he would say I was being dramatic and stupid. I wasn't allowed to not tell him things, even if they made him angry. I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys or talk about my very recent ex. I wasn't allowed to say no to him.

He persuaded me into sending photos of myself and doing things I didn't want to do by begging and pleading and being sad or angry until I did it. He told me he was putting so much time aside for me and I wasn't appreciating it and I wasn't being a good enough girlfriend.

All of this... all of this in three weeks, and I know he's a shitty person... But I miss him. I miss him and I hate myself for it. I don't want to miss him. I want to hate him. But I can't. I blocked him on everything, but the urge to unblock him and go running back to him is strong. I want to apologize and tell him I'll never do it again. But I know I shouldn't. I know he hates me now. And that makes me sad, too.

What's wrong with me? I don't really know why I wanted to post this.. I guess I just really needed to get it out there and I just want to know if I'm as stupid as I feel. I'm so emotional right now and I have no idea what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.

I suppose I've been doing it for years, but didn't really notice until it was brought up to me tonight. I didn't even realize I was upset, but I suppose I got upset somewhere along the line of today and completely "shut down". I feel almost emotionless. I can now feel that something is bothering me, since it was pointed out to me, but it's not really getting to me.

It's like a dream you're trying to remember after you wake up. I'm apparently speaking very robot-like and unemotionally, not like myself at all, and my responses are very monotone. I didn't realize I was still doing this, I realized that I did it in the past, but had no idea I was doing it to this day.

I'm not really sure why I do it, either, but I suppose it's got something to do with anxiety/depression and possibly childhood stuff.

Do any of you do this or do something similar? Or do you possibly have any ideas on what could cause this? I realize it's most likely a coping mechanism, but I can't really think of any specific reason I would have to use it as such.

I have the worst sleeping schedule bc of my long distance boyfriend and I was awake from 1:30 until 5am and I'm going to see a film today and i hate myself why do i do this

I don't think that it should be used as a regular form of birth control. However, I do believe that it's the woman's choice. That being said, if it's between a couple, I do believe that both parties should be informed. In the end, however, the woman is the one who has to carry the child, so I do support her right to make the decision, even if the partner doesn't agree. (Whether the partner be male or female, it doesn't matter)

I believe that there are a lot of different and acceptable reasons for getting an abortion. I would agree that some are more "selfish" than others, but they're all valid, for the most part. I don't necessarily think abortion should be "celebrated" and spoken about as if it's something happy, because I do believe that it's sad and can certainly have lasting emotional effects on people, but I also don't believe it should be shunned and hidden away.

I feel that whatever someone wants to do with their body is between them and their doctor(s). It's got nothing to do with me, so it's none of my business. It's not hurting me or anyone else. Whether or not you believe it's hurting the fetus is an entirely different matter, and one that I think has been scientifically disproved.

I believe abortion should be legal everywhere, if not for the fact that it's not anyone's business but the party involved, but also for safety reasons. I would much rather a young girl get a legal, sterile, safe procedure than have it done at home, or in some country that isn't nearly as safe.

I think poly relationships are great for those who can make it work! :> I'm dating someone long distance and he has a girlfriend, so we're in a kinda weird relationship right now. I don't want to date her, so it's a little confusing. I would be interested in a poly relationship if I could find the right people though! I think whatever makes everyone involved happy is good. People need to stop judging others for things that don't even affect them. <3