Hello everyone.
I joined just the other day, so I'm sure you don't know me, but I figured this was a safe platform for me to let some of my feelings out since I've been struggling a lot recently.

I moved to the states a few months ago since my boyfriend got a job and asked me to come with. We figured this would be a good opportunity for me to get a better job and new opportunities. I had lived with my mom this whole time up to that point. My father passed away 3 years ago, and between not wanting to leave my mom alone (I'm also an only child) and struggling to find a job that could help me pay for my own place, I'd never really done the big jump 'till now. It has not been easy, even though I've had my boyfriend's full support every step of the way.

I have scoliosis and had a surgery when I was 15 due to this. My curvature was pretty bad so there was no choice. Ever since then I have been in constant pain and in these last 2 years I'd say.. It's gotten worse. I even have a sever neck spasm that's been kicking my butt and it has kinda spread to my shoulders. Aside from that my back is in pain every single day, which is exhausting and I guess it takes a toll on you eventually. I got a job back in September and I was fired after the first week due to my pain flaring up. The boss didn't think it was a good idea to keep me as he thought it'd just get worse. (I had mentioned this issue when I had the job interview) needless to say, it hurt to be fired over this, something that I felt wasn't fair to fire me over. Sadly I couldn't do much since this was at a small place and the law thing didn't apply to this guy since he had less than 15 employees. I felt powerless. I'm usually home and I've been feeling like I've lost some of my friends back home due to moving away. I'm a 29 year old, I know, but these things still hurt since these are people I care about.. But I won't get into too much detail or we'll be here all night. Leaving my mom and everything else behind has been tough to say the least.

Now a few weeks ago I got a job. A job with a fair pay and decent benefits. The issue? The supervisor was horrible from the start. I felt like I couldn't even reach out to her for anything. Even one time she insinuated I did something to mess up the computer (When I clearly didn't) and on top of that the training was really hard for me. All we got was loads of information, they'd read to us all the time.. without stopping or giving time to process which was quite overwhelming for me. Out of everyone else I seemed to be the only one answering the scenarios incorrectly. It was frustrating due to the fact that I have ADD. At some point I decided this job wasn't for me. I said yes out of sheer need, you know? I was just settling..So, I quit. This environment seemed like it would slowly drain away my energy eventually if I stayed there too long. I didn't feel it was the place for me.

I was devastated since I needed the money and the benefits to seek medical attention regarding my scoliosis issues, but it was also the right thing to do. Sadly, I reached a point where I realized I need to seek professional help as I am quite depressed and my ADD is so bad, that it was hard to really get most of the stuff going on at training. Sadly, all of this requires money for me to be able to see a doctor for my back and a psychiatrist for my mental health. It's been rough and I realize this is a long read and maybe a bit all over the place, but I needed to let it out.

Like I said, I have an incredibly supportive partner and he's been cheering me on every step of the way, but I also feel so guilty and bad that I cannot help as much financially and because I've also felt so useless and like I won't go far in life. Of course, I know this isn't true sometimes, but sometimes one can't help but feel that way anyway, you know? Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I figured some of you have been so kind and nice that I felt this was a safe space. <3

@Totalanimefan: I am currently checking options for a Psychiatrist here in town who I heard Is really good. Gotta check for costs though. As for a doctor for my back, I was seeing someone in another state, still am, but it is expensive. They are one of the best places for what I have going on.. So, it is hard to just find someone good that is also affordable. I'm hoping to get a job soon so I can at least get some decent health insurance and work on a treatment for my condition. I've tried CBD, mostly balms and such, but the balm didn't do much.. It seems what I have is deeper than I thought, so it is hard to really get something that works. I have been using THC tinctures though that have helped a little bit, but they can get me high so fast if I'm not careful haha. But like you said it is expensive. Hopefully everything will work out soon enough and things will start falling into place. :) Thank you for reaching out <3


@Stinky: I wish people were more understanding. You hear all this stuff about how workplaces shouldn't and can't discriminate, yet they still do it, they don't really care. It is hard. I don't want this to let it stop me from pursing the things I want, but sometimes others are the ones stopping you from doing so.

@Totalanimefan: Haha the high I get can be too much, which sends me on a rollercoaster of emotions, from panicking and thinking I'm having a heart attack to happy and then crying. It's crazy! haha And I'm definitely looking for an office job or maybe something I can do remotely, as I'd be at the comfort of my own home, but it's hard to find remote jobs, since many people apply for those and it's nearly impossible to even get them to look at your application. I was told I could try applying for disability, but I really want to feel useful and accomplish things which is why I'd rather work. :) Anything office related or that I can do from home is probably my best option right now!

@Totalanimefan: I hope so! It just becomes frustrating when things don’t happen as fast as one would want, but just gotta hang in there, I guess :)