So yesterday was my birthday, I turned 32. Originally the plan was to go out for lunch , do some shopping, and then hang out with my mom, who took the day off to spend time with me. Well... We didn't have the energy for shopping (I had no money to anyway like I had hoped), we doordashed some food for lunch and then just spent the rest of the day around the house.

Now, I'm not placing blame on my mom or anything like that. I did have fun spending time with her and that was one of the few things I wanted to do yesterday. But other than that, it felt kind of.... empty.

I'm not upset about not being spoiled with gifts or cake or anything like that. I think it's the fact that this is my first birthday without my grandma, whom I was very close to.

I haven't posted this anywhere before but on facebook and that was for family, but last year my grandma got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed August 22nd, with being told she had six months left. We hadn't gotten to see her since March, before COVID got so bad we couldn't visit anymore. My aunt (who is overcareful and not wanting to get sick) finally let us come over so we could see her. Three weeks later, on September 9th, my mom called me from my aunt's house to tell me that she had passed on.

I was very close and attached to my grandma. She helped raise me when my biological dad couldn't do so and when my ex stepfather failed me multiple times. I knew with her age (83), her time would come, but I had honestly thought there was more time. I'm not ready to live my life without her...

Its been hard since she has passed on and I think the reason my birthday feels so off is because I didn't get to talk to her. Her birthday is tomorrow and I don't know if we'll do anything to celebrate or honor her but I hope we do...

I just... I just feel lost...