》::: ✿･`.*
And it's.. for the better I guess. But I'm having a really hard time lately.
Please.. don't judge me. This will be really long but I just need somewhere to get all this shit out.
For those of you who have known me awhile, I'm sure you remember all the posts about how awful my boyfriend treated me. If not, I really don't know how to explain in a short manner other than he was an extreme narcissist and emotionally abusive. Hes driven me to suicide attempts. I do not doubt that he loved me, maybe not as much after the first 3-4 years we were together (broke up a month b4 our 6yr).
Well hes my ex now. Things got out of hand one night (small fight turned huge) and he has this way of driving me to huge emotional breakdowns and panic attacks, I lose control of my emotions... and im basically a bomb. He tried to leave me home alone at 3am during this extremely huge fight (lived in a former drughouse so we always had scary ass ppl loitering around) which.. I should've let him leave tbh. I ended up grabbing onto him and pulling him back, his shirt ripped and I scratched him (honestly it was accidental. My nails are long as shit). He called the police and I went to jail for two weeks and got a year of probation, guilty with two counts of assault. I don't understand how.
Anyway, I broke up with him after I was out. I tried making us work for about two weeks and he just would not let me come home (I have lived with my grandparents since i got out of jail). I was so sick of feeling neglected. Then I ended up in a new relationship.. which I really did not expect or try for. Hes a great man. Ive known him since middle school. We stayed up all night on a call, I cried and vented.. he listened. He made me feel better. Started hanging out. We both fell hard for eachother. Meanwhile, my ex was harassing me and trying to get me to come back to him. I was really tempted.. but I dont wanna be in that much pain again, and I love my current bf sooo much.. I really do. I could go on for hours. He's changed my life so much and I have confidence in myself now. Ive smiled alot more this three months than I have in a very long time. My family has even noticed. My ex got with another girl (though hes admitted to me he just settled with her because he cant have me.. and ive told her the things hes said.) He just got with her to "make me jealous", he thought id come back I guess.. but "is staying because he doesnt want to be alone." This makes me feel shitty and terrible for her, but she refuses to care. She believes me, Ive had proof, just doesnt care. Either way, he left me alone.
So, I should be okay right..? Im not.. I don't know why I miss him so damn bad sometimes. I talk to my bf about it and hes very understanding. He lets me cry, and holds me.. which makes me feel even worse sometimes. I love him, I do. I really do. I just still love my ex I guess. Plus the holiday season has been really painful.. We were always really happy around this time of year.
I have periods where I dont miss him at all, I really am very happy with my current bf. Im becoming a better person. But the pain of missing my ex just... is so confusing. So many clashing emotions. This is probably the third most painful thing I've ever dealt with in my life. I just want to be happy.. yknow? I should be.. but my brain wont let me. I want to go back to him, but I also dont. The thought makes me sick. Probation is making it even worse because all the shit I have to do
*.`･✿ ::: 《
