Hi all,
I just feel like I had to write this down. I'm going to focus on what is personally stressing me out. I could write a whole essay on how 2020 events are stressing us all out and traumatizing us all, from the killing of black men by the police, to the election/Trump, to USPS, to the pandemic, to the extreme weather the US is facing, to Climate Change, to the US's car dependency, to unprecedented times we are all going through. (Sorry that most of that was US centric, I know that every country is facing its challenges but the US has never been this fascist before.
So all of that is going on, and I am affected by it, but also I just moved across the country (which I'm happy about but that doesn't mean that it's easy or stress free), I'm adjusting to a new place in a pandemic, my mom is coming to visit this weekend (she had heart surgery in July) so I was stressing about that before and after her surgery. She is 60. So since I'm not fully unpacked I have to scramble to get my 2nd bedroom/office ready for her, in top of working 40 hours a week.
My job, which I love except for my boss's boss, is letting me go at the end of the month and they hired a new girl to do my job instead of me. I don't hate her. In fact I had coffee with her today and she is super nice. I think we could be friends, but why did my Boss's Boss make the decision not to keep me and to hire another person? I am so good at my job and I never cause any trouble. My boss and a few coworkers tried to fight to keep me on, but this person didn't want to hear it and hired outside the company someone with the same level of experience as me (and actually no background in this field, so I guess I should've had a leg up?).
And I know that I should just say F them, not my problem anymore, but like I don't really want to lose this job during a pandemic. It's WFH, the pay is good, and I like all of my coworkers and I'm good at this job. What more could you really ask for in 2020? I'm sure that I will be able to get another job after this but like what if I can't get a work from home one? There is no way during a pandemic (which is super bad in the US right now) for what get paid that I would risk my life. So I'm not going to be working for a little while after this? Which I guess is good because then I can unpack more, but I would rather spend my time making money.
Also my condo in CA hasn't sold (mostly because of the wildfires making it so no one could leave their house) but also there aren't any open houses right now in CA. So the people that do view it have to be pretty serious. It's also a one bedroom and most people now are looking for at least a two bed since most people are WFH. So that means that right now I'm paying for a mortgage and rent in two expensive places.
I feel like I have no time to relax and when I do make time for relaxing I can only think about what I haven't gotten done and it's hard. Last night I spent the whole night after work just fighting off a panic attack. My heart rate was between 110 and 150 sitting down. But that I started worry about my heart health since my mom just had her 2nd heart surgery. But also I do think I'm ok, but what if I'm not, but I can't see a Dr during a pandemic that sounds risky and then what if I do have a heart condition? It's just so scary to think about.
Oh also work has just been super busy. I make myself take breaks but there is just so much to do before I leave. Once again, I should say F it, but I really like my coworkers and it's not their fault I'm leaving. They all wanted me to stay and love my work ethic.
I don't know what to say. I'm sure that some of these personal stresses will go away, like the unpacking, and my house in CA will probably sell soon, but until that happens I'm just stuck in this limbo. Trying to be proactive but also just treading water.
The amount of injustice in this country holds heavy on my heart too. I'm very worried about the election. Homeland Security just released a statement saying that Russia is trying to spread lies about the integrity of the 2020 election, so that if Trump loses people won't accept that outcome. I'm worry about more black people dying and no one doing anything about it. We are about 100 days into these protests and nothing is happening. We shouldn't stop but it just feels hopeless. The USPS is being fucked over and it's every Americans right to a working, functioning postal system. It's going to be hard for everyone's vote to be counted.
And just for the record, I am not BIPOC. Growing up I lived in a town and went to a school that was about half white and half black. I can only somewhat understand what it feels like to have racism daily in your face from when I lived in England, but it's nothing like what you all face everyday. I am an ally, and I have written letters to congress and my state legislature fighting for change, fighting to get those cops out of a job. I always vote and I will also defend injustice that I see. I just feel like it's not enough. What can I do that make these racist assholes see what these people are just people. Trying to live their life. Just trying to go to the store to get milk for their babies. Just trying to get a job and live their lives through all the bullshit and heartache. I'm tired.
I feel like I can't touch on anymore subjects even though I would love to also get into climate change, the wildfires, floods and hurricanes but I guess I'll save that for another day.